Dear God,
Please help me to understand because I don’t.
I’ve had migraine headaches since I was pregnant with Gavin. That’s 13 years now, in case you lost track. I’ve lived with this curse. I’ve learned to function with them. I’ve found a way to fight my way through the pain, at the expense of myself and those closest to me. Only to have my country tell me that they are “simply headaches and everyone gets headaches”. Only to have them get worse now, after 13 years.
Why?!
I suppose I should feel lucky – and I’m sure some will tell me I should – because I’ve made it this long with the pain maintaining a status quo even if the frequency has increased. But I don’t feel lucky and I won’t. I can’t. How can I when I’m now losing sleep because of them? How can I when I’m now waking up and making a mad dash for my Zofran, praying – to you ironically enough – that I take it in time to avoid vomiting. I’ve never vomited from a migraine before but that’s all changed now.
Now my anti-nausea medications rarely work. Now I can’t eat because it all sits heavy and tastes horrible because of the pain in my head and the nausea in my stomach.
Now I am making mad dashes for the bathroom, the kitchen sink, the shower room tub, anywhere away from Rob and the Boys so that I might be alone when I lose the contents of my stomach.
I read somewhere once that migraine sufferers vomit to help release the pressure in our heads. That vomiting is actually supposed to help the pain. Why doesn’t it help mine?
I’m losing weight because of the pain. Because I can’t eat. Because I can’t keep food down.
God, help me.
Please!
What am I supposed to do?
It’s so bad that I tried to take my pain medication and anti-nausea medication a little while ago and I had to physically fight to get the pills down. And then I had to fight again to keep them down. I almost lost the battle at one point. How long am I supposed to go on like this?
While we have this open dialog going, God, there are a few more things I would like to ask you about, if you don’t mind.
I’ve heard – repeatedly – that you never give anyone more than they can handle – and while that’s a lovely sentiment, it would be really nice if you could put your trust and faith into someone else for a while. I mean no disrespect when I say that. I’m merely asking for a break in the seemingly endless onslaught of crap.
I had a therapist tell me once…
Elizabeth, everyone gets crap. Some get a little bit of crap at time, in a steady onslaught. (Like me.) Some get a little bit of crap here and a little bit of crap there but they get bigger loads of crap than the first person because it’s spaced out. Then there are the people who get big, heaping loads of crap in 50 gallon drums at a time. (This would be my ex-husband.)
While I don’t want to be either of the other two people because I can hardly handle being me, I don’t know how I would survive with larger loads then I already have.
I need a break!
ROB NEEDS A BREAK!
We are breaking. Crumbling. Falling apart at the seams, slowly but surely, from the constant onslaught of crap.
While we are on the topic of breaking, crumbling and falling apart…I’m not sure you knew what you were doing when you gave me this life. No offense (and yes, I understand that I just told you I don’t think you know/knew what you were doing) but honestly, I sincerely think you missed the mark on this one.
I can barely hold it together under the strain and pressures of my illnesses. Then you add three children with basic special needs. Then you add major health issues for two of those children. I’m drowning and I haven’t even gotten to our living situation, lack of support (save a few people), or our financial situation.
You’ve given me too much for any one person and thank you for sending me Rob so at least I’m not alone. Even still, you’ve given us too much for two people. We are buckling under the pressure of it all.
God, please help me.
Help me to carry these “burdens” better, more effectively, more gracefully, more patiently, more compassionately.
I am not a very good mother or wife. I am not a very effective, patient or compassionate member of my family partly because of the pain (not all the time but sometimes, on days like today) and partly because I’m just in so far over my head. I want to be better for my family. They deserve better than the wife and mother they are current living with.
I am not a very good daughter or grand-daughter. I am not very appreciative or faithful. I should visit my grand-parents. They are both within a 5-10 minute drive so there’s really no excuse. And someday I will wish I had gone to see them both more than I have but it will be too late.
I am not a very good friend either. I am not a very good listener nor am I very patient or faithful. I should call my friends more than I do. I need to maintain my friendships because they aren’t going to maintain themselves and I only have a very few friends, whom I can’t afford to lose – nor do I want to because I love them dearly and for once in my life I’ve found people who actually accept me for me, as I am. Which is something I’ve never had before.
God, please help me to survive this and maybe ever learn to live and not just survive.
Please help me to understand.
Please help me.
Elizabeth
I wish I could help you guys more than a few prayers. You guys are amazing parents. There's so many others out there that aren't nearly as deserving as the two of you are with all you do. Gods bless.
Sending many prayers and blessings your way. I, too, have felt overburdened with responsibilities, overwhelmed and alone. Please know that you are never alone. That there are people out there who can love and support you. It is so necessary that the community rallies for families who have children with special needs. To offer support, care, respite. And to include your family in activities that may bring you all joy. It helps me when things are rough to count my blessings. To focus on what is good and working. May the G-d of your understanding comfort you and bring you peace. My son, Neal (nonverbal autistic) recently typed: " G-d works in mysterious ways. Sometimes you have to let yourself be open to let G-d in and to let in the miracles.: You and your family are in my prayers.
My recent post Oprah Winfrey Network to re-air “Autism: The Musical” on April 15
wow, I don't know what to say… I feel I have to say something. It must be incredibly hard to read this yourself Rob. It must be heart breaking to watch your wife struggle like this. My heart goes out to all of you. You are in my prayers and I hope that somehow God will show himself to you with a little grace. All I know is that there have been times when I knew there was no way I had enough money to get through the week with gas and food and everything and when I truly put my problems on Him it seemed to always work out. I pray everything works out for you, Lizzie and the kids. Life is like a roller coaster sometimes. ~~hugs~~
As much as I would like to- your story only confirms my own growing belief that íf at all there is a creating and allbeing deity that watches over us, it isn't one that has our human sense of good and bad and of granting living beings what they need or could handle. You look for Hell? Welcome in our world and pray you won't get your part of it. You look for Heaven? Welcome in our world and pray you may be part of that. And thén there's those who have it bad and who apparently show by example to the rest how 'bad'could be defined in all it's horrid appearances.
That said: Keep on telling your story- Talking about it in any way, shape or form can bring some solace. To yourself by talking, to others by getting to know your story. Lizze, Rob, Gavin, Eliott, Emmett John- keep on telling your stories. If only for some others to get a chance to awaken.
I agree with the therapist about the crap. Some people just have more to deal with, much more. And if you do, then every day you can get through, every smile you can manage, every gift you can give a child, every support you can give your family — each one of those is a victory.
I'm on my way to donate to your paypal account because there is not much else I can do for you, as much as I wish there was. I'm an atheist myself, but I hope that you get comfort from every source that you can (God, community, family, friends). It takes a village, after all.
Is a new doctor an option? A change in meds? A new set of eyes and ears? You will not find “God won’t give you more than you can handle” anywhere within the pages of the Bible. It simply doesn’t exist. Over and over again in the Bible, we see men and women who are given far more than they can handle. “We were so afflicted that we thought we were going to die! We were burdened beyond our ability, and we could not handle it—But God gave us this adversity and burden so that we would rely on Him who can!” (2 Cor 1: 8,9) God is making it clear that we are not self-sufficient. We cannot just hunker down and power through every situation. And we cannot white-knuckle our way to holiness. We need Him…… We're just not in paradise…yet. =) Better days ahead sista! And thank you for sharing.
Saying a prayer for you.
Im speechless. I don’t know what I could say to make you feel what I’m feeling for you. My heart breaks for you and your family. You have so much on your plate that I couldn’t imagine being in your position. I too have gotten migraines since my last pregnancy and they seem to get worse each time along with the nausea. I highly respect the both of you for continuing your journey with all the pain and suffering, I think most people in your shoes would have given up. I know this is probably silly but I’m a pretty good listener at times and if either of u need to vent I’m here for you. Keep up the good work and stay strong.