This is a pretty heavy post.  I’m really in a bad place at the moment and I need to vent.  Please be advised that this post is meant as a purge valve of sorts for me and nothing else.

Lizze is basically incapacitated.  It’s not her fault but it’s really making things challenging. Emmett is completely out of control and nothing seems to be helping him to relax.

Gavin, well,  I’m not even going to touch on that right now.  I have whole other posts underway on that topic.

I’m a patient guy but even I have my limits.  I’m so tired of the chaos and the screaming. I’m tired of all the drama that surrounds everything in our house. I’m even more tired of all the bullshit that goes on in this neighborhood.

Just as an example,  someone spit on my front door.  There is a huge wad of nasty,  dry spit on my front door.

My wife is being a bitch by the grade school kids walking home through our neighborhood. These kids are under the age of 8 and are having their own fight club.  Except they are putting these little girls,  that are in kindergarten,  into a circle and making them fight each other. These little girls eventually fight and they hurt each other while these other kids laugh and taunt them.

They use my front yard to do this in and Lizze is a bitch for breaking it up and calling the Police. She broke one of these up a few weeks ago and now every time they see her it’s, look,  there’s the bitch.
I hate struggling to get caught up on the mortgage for this house. It’s not safe to live here and I’m killing myself in oder to keep from going into default. Sometimes I honestly wonder why I’m putting myself through this,  just to live in a neighborhood that has almost killed me,  literally.

The stress is killing me and I know my demeanor affects the boys. I know the stress of all this is negatively affecting Lizze as well.

There are few things worse than feeling like you are powerless.

In my case,  I feel like my hands are tied. There is simply to much going on for me to be able to focus on what I really need to focus on,  in order to get us out of here. I bounce from one crisis to the next and all I can manage to do is put out the fire and not address the cause.

I haven’t vented in awhile and after the transmission died on our van,  again,  last week…..  I’ve been simmering at a nice about to lose my mind temperature.

Sometimes,  all I can do is vent,  because I can’t seem to do much else.

I’m watching Gavin continue to decline.  I don’t know how bad it’s going to get but it feels like we’re losing him. I feel guilty having to address his behavior because if we are losing him,  I don’t want this time to be spent constantly correcting him. At the same time,  he’s being sexually inappropriate with his brother and that is absolutely unacceptable. That is also the other post I have coming latter on today.

This is an impossible position to be in and while I don’t want to make Gavin miserable by having to aggressively address this behavior,  no one and I mean no one,  will ever touch my babies in that way. My sympathy for Gavin falls far short of my anger and outrage over his behavior.

When you factor in that I adopted Gavin and Elliott and Emmett are my biological children,  it somehow makes Gavin an outsider that is assaulting my kids.  Does that make sense?  I know that sounds weird but it’s just what I feel.

I did everything I could to protect Gavin from the abuse of his biological father and paternal grandmother.  I will do the same for Elliott and Emmett,  even if it’s from him.

God…. If feel sick even having to say that.

I do think know how much more I can take. I’m not perfect and I’m not so kind of super hero special needs parent. I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, angry, scared and heartbroken.

This is simply really starting to get to me and I needed to purge.

**Thanks for reading**

       -Lost and Tired

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