It’s been a rough day in our house. My tank is pretty much on empty and the kids have been such a handful lately. I’m exhausted and coming up short in the patience department. Currently, it’s almost 3am and I still can’t fall asleep because it’s been such a stressful day. I can’t seem to shut my brain off.

The kids have been at each other’s throats all day. Emmett and Gavin were fighting and I was done with it. I sent them downstairs to call their mom and have her help them resolve whatever they were fighting over. It didn’t end well and made things infinitely worse but Lizze did what she could from a distance. The kids needed a physical intervention and that of course, can’t be done over the phone.

I’ve been trying all day to get some work done because it’s not going to do itself. I’ve not been incredibly successful. It’s been a slow month in regards to work and we’re 2/3 of the way through it already. That doesn’t bode well for surviving December and that thought hasn’t escaped me. In fact, it’s currently living rent free and doing laps in my head.

We’re on day 262 of our COVID lockdown and I’m not gonna lie, it’s wearing thin because too many people refuse to wear a simple mask. I try to get the kids out into nature but Ohio is in really bad shape and it’s getting scary. This is especially true when two of your three kids are high risk, one being severely immunocompromised.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve had a break and at the rate COVID is ravaging Ohio, I won’t get one anytime soon. That’s fine. It is what it is and we all have to sacrifice to get through this. It’s just not easy.

Since becoming a single Dad, I’ve tried to build up how cool it is that it’s just us guys. The intent was to help the boys find something positive in our current living situation. What I’ve discovered over the last year and a half is that four guys living together, unchecked, is a recipe for chaos. It almost reminds me of when I was living at college. It’s insane in my house. The kids are all over the place and very much existing on the very edge of a hair trigger. It takes nothing to set them off and the polar opposite of nothing to calm them down.

I can’t seem to get anything organized and I feel like such a failure most of the time. I know that realistically speaking, I’m doing the best I can in very challenging circumstances. Getting pulled in multiple directions at once means I’m constantly bouncing back and forth. That makes finding balance incredibly difficult. Managing work, remote learning, paying the bills, maintaining the house, selfcare, safety, and constantly worrying about the future is fucking exhausting.

I’m so tired and it gets really lonely.

For the most part, I feel like I’m holding my own. I’m a happy person, who finds humor in everything. It’s far from perfect but it’s my life and I’m grateful for everyone in it and for every second I get to live it.

The truth is, despite COVID, I’m better off right now than I was a year ago. I have so many incredible opportunities, some of which can’t be realized until the world stops burning. If I could just focus a little harder, and find a better balance, I would be able to seize upon some of those opportunities now. It’s actually quite frustrating to be so close and yet so far away.

I’m so exhausted and all I really want to go to sleep but I just can’t shut my brain off long enough to make that happen.

It’s unreasonable for me to be looking for perfection in my life but the goal for myself is one of constant improvement and forward progress. I need to get some sleep.

I’m out for now. Wish me luck in getting some sleep.