There’s a great many things that I’ve slowly adjusted to in regards to my wife staring a new life with someone else. I’ve adjusted to her not being here anymore.  I’ve even mostly adjusted to raising all three of our kids on my own.

Those were/are major obstacles for me, both emotional and physical.

While I’ve made tremendous progress, at least in some areas, there are still some situations or events that I still, very much emotionally struggle with. 

These are usually things that force me to remember what I thought I had for almost half of my life.  Things like holidays and anniversaries are really hard but they’ve gotten easier, as I’ve been through most of them twice now on my own. 

What really gets to me are the boys birthdays. 

Elliott turns 10 years old on Friday and he will be with his Mom and Grandparents.  I don’t know if I’ll ever adjust to not being together as a family on the boys birthdays.

Gavin’s birthday doesn’t bother me nearly as much because I wasn’t there for his birth, as he’s from my wife’s first marriage.  I’ve adopted him and raised him as my own since he was like 15 months old but it’s not the same. 

Watching Elliott and Emmett both brought into this world and experiencing the floodgates of emotion bust wide open is something that can’t be replicated. 

Elliott’s birthday is especially rough because of how close we came to losing him, due to life threatening complications immediately following his premature birth. 

I’ll spend Elliott’s Birthday this year, sitting at home, eating a free Chipoltle burrito (thanks to the coupon my Mom found and gave me to help support my habit.  She’s such an enabler 😉) and facing all these memories that I don’t want to remember, at least not for now because of how painful they still are. 

Look, I know I need to get over this and move forward but some things I just haven’t figured out how to do that with. 

The person I made these memories with, no longer exists. I’ve grown to accept that but the memories themselves remind me of what I’ve lost and are so deeply ingrained in who I am,  it’s a struggle with find peace with them. 

I’m happy that Elliott gets to celebrate his birthday with the other half of his family.  I think that regardless of what’s happened, she’s still his Mother and they should be together on a day like that.  I just never imagined a time when them being together on his birthday and me being together with them on his birthday would be mutually exclusive…..  

The situation is very complex, so I rely heavily on what the boys therapist recommends because she knows every tiny little detail and understands how easily the boys can be impacted by things. 

Maybe someday, as everyone becomes more adjusted to this new life, things will be different but for now, this is just the way it needs to be. 

It sucks for me personally but as long as Elliott has a great birthday, that’s all that really matters because it’s his day afterall. I get to celebrate his life every single day and night because I live with him.  We’ll still get to celebrate his birthday at home as well, just on a different day. . 

Like I said, these are more emotional hurdles than anything else……but challenging and painful nonetheless….

This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 5. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉

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