I fucking quit. I’m so tired and I just have nothing left. Gavin is just pushing EVERY button I have. It’s probably not his fault but that doesn’t make it any easier. In fact it actually makes it worse because then I feel guilty because I’m not handling it better.

I woke up this morning at 6am with Emmett after being up with Elliott till 2am. I was feeling better and then the moring kicked in and Gavin was being Gavin, Elliott was whining and Emmett was getting into EVERYTHING. By this time I was sick to my stomach again. I wanted to let Lizze sleep cause she has been doing more then she should to help me while I’m sick.

After she got up Lizze was going to her moms house to drop Elliott and Gavin off for the night. They are getting away for the day and spending the night. I figured I would be ok with Emmett as long as she didn’t stay and visit. Shortly after I got a call from her saying she had arrived…..BUT….there was a problem.

Turns out that shortly prior to pulling into her parents driveway the check engine light came on again. She pulled into the driveway and shut the van off and smoke poured out from underneath the hood. GODDAMMIT I HATE this van. I just got it back out of the shop. This last time it was $300 bringing the total bill to almost $4000…. I spent 80% of everything we had over the past few months to fix the piece of shit. I made a huge mistake buying it in the first place. We were desperate and without a car. I had tried for 6 monthes to find something SAFE and that was is descent shape so we could maintain it for a few years. We have “less than perfect credit” so that was a VERY difficult battle. We always got close only to be DENIDE over and over.

I finally found the van we currently have and it was perfect. We could afford it and the people “seemed” honest and the van was in excellent shape. It was a steal and apparently for good reason. They lied through their teeth and like an idiot I bought every word of it. I had explained our story to them when I first called about because we needed to have captains chairs in the middle in order to keep everyone separate. They told me it was perfect. They said they wanted to sell it to someone who could benefit from it.

We had it for a week and the transmission seized up and the engine had major problems. The repair shop said it had been like this a while and just finally gave up. $4000.00 later and it has a brand new transmission, lots of deep engine work done, new subframe (which was actually just freaking recalled by ford last week) and some odds and ends fixed. Guess what it STILL DOESN’T WORK….

I’m waiting for my dad to pick me up and drive me out there so we can look at it and try to get it home. You know with all the challenges we face it would great if for once something would just work out…. I know I’m complaining but dammit this just doesn’t stop. I’m so frustrated and overwhelmed… I can feel myself cracking…

I’ll update later after I see first hand what’s going on…..
Thanks for listening to me complain…..