I had a really bad night, amounting to less than 2 hours of sleep. Emmett got up extremely early and was not going back to bed.
The boys let me nap this morning and Iām grateful for that beyond words because I couldnāt even get my eyes to focus. Iām lucky because as long as Iām right there, I can close my eyes for a short period of time without the universe imploding.
I say Iām lucky because not everyone will even get that..
The sleep that I did get was shrouded in a disorienting theme that Iām struggling with, long after they ceased to be.
Truthfully, I probably need to get a bit more help with this than I am and perhaps Iāll be better able to do so after the boys start back to school but itās this divorce. Itās eating away at me and while the last year has clearly taught me that itās all for the best, it doesnāt make it hurt any less.
Iām really not looking forward to the next month and a half but at the same time, I am.
Itās going to be very painful on Monday, to turn 37 years old and a week later wake up to my 12th anniversary. A month after that will be the one year mark of night my wife walked out of our lives.
It feels like Iām staring down the barrel of a gun as I look ahead to these milestones. I truly donāt know how to make it through.
At the same time, I anxious for these pivotal dates to come and go because from what I hear, life becomes easier and the dates will hold less meaning or have less impact as time goes on.
Anyway, when I have these types of dreams, itās only when I wake up that I face the nightmare all over again. The truly ironic part of this is that my dreams are of my family being together and doing well. Itās so peaceful but when I wake up it takes a little bit for me to realize that it was just a dream and I face the loss once again.
Thatās kinda messed up and maybe that means that Iām kinda messed up as wellā¦ā¦..
Either way, I just have to pick myself up and carry on because there are three things Iām living for and they need me to be their everything.