I probably need more help than Iā€™m getting 

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  • Post last modified:April 7, 2018

I had a really bad night, amounting to less than 2 hours of sleep. Emmett got up extremely early and was not going back to bed. 

The boys let me nap this morning and Iā€™m grateful for that beyond words because I couldnā€™t even get my eyes to focus. Iā€™m lucky because as long as Iā€™m right there, I can close my eyes for a short period of time without the universe imploding.

I say Iā€™m lucky because not everyone will even get that.. šŸ˜Ÿ

The sleep that I did get was shrouded in a disorienting theme that Iā€™m struggling with, long after they ceased to be. 

  
Truthfully, I probably need to get a bit more help with this than I am and perhaps Iā€™ll be better able to do so after the boys start back to school but itā€™s this divorce. Itā€™s eating away at me and while the last year has clearly taught me that itā€™s all for the best, it doesnā€™t make it hurt any less. 

Iā€™m really not looking forward to the next month and a half but at the same time, I am. 

Itā€™s going to be very painful on Monday, to turn 37 years old and a week later wake up to my 12th anniversary. A month after that will be the one year mark of night my wife walked out of our lives. 

It feels like Iā€™m staring down the barrel of a gun as I look ahead to these milestones. I truly donā€™t know how to make it through.

At the same time, I anxious for these pivotal dates to come and go because  from what I hear, life becomes easier and the dates will hold less meaning or have less impact as time goes on. 

Anyway, when I have these types of dreams, itā€™s only when I wake up that I face the nightmare all over again. The truly ironic part of this is that my dreams are of my family being together and doing well. Itā€™s so peaceful but when I wake up it takes a little bit for me to realize that it was just a dream and I face the loss once again. 

Thatā€™s kinda messed up and maybe that means that Iā€™m kinda messed up as wellā€¦ā€¦..

Either way, I just have to pick myself up and carry on because there are three things Iā€™m living for and they need me to be their everything. 

Rob Gorski

Full time, work from home single Dad to my 3 amazing boys. Oh...and creator fo this blog. :-)
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