This post is going to be incredibly honest because I’m so angry right now. I have to vent in a constructive manner.
Emmett just hurt Elliott again and was out into time out.
Upon arriving on the time out step, he began hitting himself and screaming “I hate myself”, over and over again.
I want so badly to punish Gavin for this because he is responsible for teaching this shit to his baby brothers. How many 4 year olds scream “I hate myself”? Probably not many.
This is 100% learned behavior and Gavin is the teacher. Saying that Emmett is responsible for his own behavior is total bullshit, at least start when it comes to this. He’s 4 years old and is learning these behaviors from an extremely mentally disturbed older brother.
I don’t know how to minimize his impact on the family anymore. I’m so angry and hurt and honestly, broken hearted.
I don’t know what to do but something has to be done. This isn’t fair to the boys. Their brother is a horrible influence on them and I’m becoming more and more of a bad parent for allowing this to go on. I honestly don’t know what to do.
I think that a more aggressive approach on my part is our only option until residential placement becomes an option.
At this moment, I feel like he should be held accountable for behaviors he has taught his brothers. I’m sure that sounds harsh to some but he’s systematically dismantling this family and something drastic has to happen.
Lizze and I could spend our last breath teaching Elliott and Emmett something. It takes no time at all for Gavin to undo that. The problem is that Elliott and Emmett absolutely worship Gavin and look up to him as a role model. He’s the last person they should be looking up to and his influence is very strong.
I need to get Gavin out of the house and for that, I will need to make a more aggressive push for funding.
I feel like a monster for saying any of this but it’s absolutely true and we literally are out of options. Residential placement is the only hope for the Lost and Tired family.
This was posted via WordPress for Android, courtesy of Samsungs Galaxy S III. Please forgive any typos. I do know how to spell but auto-correct hate me.
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I am aghast at the level of ignorance displayed by some posters; however, their ignorance is not as bad as the venom oozing from under their respective rocks. I would like to suggest @fibromamaby3 & @lostandtired that a change be made in the way a reader is allowed to post on their blogs–require any desiring to comment to go through a vetting before they may post. Don't know if that's possible or not, but in a perfect blog world it would be! Kathy & ABC, go crawl back under your slime. No one wants you here!
I was hoping this wouldn't happen. 🙁 Rob, Lizze, hang in there, guys. It's amazing how you have managed to keep each other and the family together for so long with all of the things that have been coming your way. From all that I've read you guys deserve awards for being the amazing parents you are. 99% of people would have given up and here you guys are pushing forward. Neither of you are bad parents and should never think that! Gods bless and you're always in my prayers.
@OnyxPanthyr Thank you for the kind words. I really,really appreciate. We both do actually.
I've dealt with similar issues. My heart goes out to all of you. Such tough decisions to make and judgmental people to deal with. You know and love your children best. Research, get advice, then do what your heart tells you is right for your kids. Praying for all of you as you travel this long road.
@gina valley Thank you for your compassion. I really appreciate it. It think it's hard for the average person to wrap their brains around something like this.
Rob, let me just remind you that you guys always have my love and support 100% as I know the decisions you make regarding the boys are made with the best of intentions at heart and with all the love in your heart. I know you love Gavin more than any FATHER can love a child, but you also have two more boys (younger I might add) who you also need to think about when it comes to things. What these criticizers don't seem to understand is that Gavin's meltdowns, tantrums or whatever anyone else wants to call them are getting more intense. Gavin is getting older, which means he is getting bigger, which means he is getting stronger, which can only mean one thing in the long run….one of these days his meltdowns, etc, will only become more severe making them a bigger danger to not only you, Lizze, Emmett & Elliott, but also a danger to Gavin himself. What the criticizers (who have no idea what you deal with on a day to day basis I might add) fail to realize is what happens that one day when G gets so completely out of control that he hurts himself, you, Lizze or God forbid one of the Es fatally or close to fatally? By opting to place him in a residential facility where they have TRAINED PROFESSIONALS who have been TAUGHT how to properly and safely handle these types of behaviors you are not only making sure that the Es are safe, but also that G stays safe…safe from himself I need to clarify b/c others may think I mean safe from you….Gavin is headed down a very dangerous road and with all the issues he already has if he is left to his own devices he will one day meet his maker way too soon. Scary thought to think about, but true. I also have to ask these criticizers what would they happen to think if G at some point had one of his meltdowns in a public place where there are other children around? What if he had one of these meltdowns and hurt a stranger or a stranger's child? What would they think then? Then they would criticize you both for letting someone "like that" out into the public. They would want you all to be burned at the stake for "unleashing such a violent person" into the public. I support you both 100%. I have been there to personally witness some of the meltdowns, and while not as bad as they have been lately, its a very scary thing. Not scary enough to keep me away mind you 😉 Rob, I know you love G b/c if you didn't you wouldn't have stayed around and stuck by not only his side, but my sister's as well. And for that I thank you for being a bigger man than most men out there. Hell, there are men out there that can't even take care of their children who don't have any disabilities. You sir are a saint and a blessing to both my sister and my nephews!
@MikeNYvetteKennedy Vett…..Thank you. 🙂
Thanks Cassie.
Jenn50,
You are absolutely right! It is totally a ploy to divert the attention away from being in trouble. What upsets me the most (personally) is that my babies are saying that at all. If Gavin had never said it would Elliott Richard have learned it at school, perhaps. But Emmett John wouldn't know it because he doesn't attend school.
Regardless of how they *would have/could have* learned it, we KNOW how they did. I really like your idea for dealing with it too. Brilliant!
Chloe, in the words of Zach and Wheezie from Dragon Tales (which I've been tortured with ALL WEEK while they're sick)…LOOOOVE IT! Now how do we make it work?
@fibromamaby3 At least dragon tales is awesome 🙂
@Silachan @fibromamaby3 that's funny 😉
Let me tell you Ms. Kathy that I have been personally present for a few of Gavin's meltdowns and what Rob described above is EXACTLY what I have seen with my own eyes. Yes, other children with Autism may experience this, but when it walks like a duck, acts like a duck it's a duck. I love all three of my nephews with ALL my heart, but What Emmett did and said is a mini-Gavin. I'm sorry, how many times have you been to visit my brother-in-law and sister in their home? How many times have you been there to see what exactly they deal with on a daily basis? You are entitled to your opinion and I respect that, but what you stated above is pure judgment NOT an opinion.
I am not sure why you blame Gavin so much. Yes, he has tantrums, but he has mental issues too. No sane person will do this in their right mind. Just like you donot blame E's for any thing, it is all age, autism and other factors etc.
It looks like you think that getting Gavin out of the house will solve all your problems. Well, that is no true, as he is not source of all your problem. I hope you donot blame him for RAD.
I have a question about RAD, how did Gavin get this? A child has to be negelected very very severely for this to happen. Where was his loving mother, I am sure father was bad, but where was mother, when this child was undergoing so many bad things that he developled RAD. This is not the Gavin's fault, but his parents ONLY. So stop blaming him for all the shit he has due to his genetics and the way he was treated. And I have no idea, what is happening to him right now in this house hold, where all fingers point to him.
@Abc in not in the best of moods so I'm going to treat you with as much respect as possible and not make the same assumptions about you that you have made about us.
There was an almost 10 year court battle between us and Lizze's biological father. The only reason it lasted that long was because it took place in his home town and the judge used to be his uncle.
They lived almost 3 hours away and Gavin was forced to spend 6 days out of every 14 down there. He was abused and neglected. This started when he was only 6 months old. He was physically and forcefully removed from his mother at an age when that was the worst possible thing that could have happened.
According to several of the top psychiatrists in the entire country, what Gavin endured was more than enough to cause the neurological connections to NOT form.
As for your rather ignorant comment, no one has ever blamed Gavin for his problem. You obviously haven't read enough of our story to know that. However, his behaviors are very real and have a very significant impact on all of us. Unfortunately, we cannot separate Gavin from the problem behaviors. I'm not sure of your level of education or experience with Reactive Attachment Disorder but I'm guessing by your statements it's not very much.
We have done absolutely everything possible to both protect him then and help him now. Unfortunately, what is broken in him, cannot be fixed. Believe me, we've tried.
This isn't something that we can just accept and embrace either. Kids with RAD are extremely good at dividing the parents, lying and are also expert manipulators.
I can say with a very reasonable level of confidence that you wouldn't last one day in my shoes.
This is as kind as I can be to you at this point. We all have bad days and this one was really bad. Until you have taken even a few steps in my shoes, your not in a position to judge.
Also, the court records are public record. I'm assuming your going to be questioning that as well. Feel free to look that up.
@whynotfathers
@Abc @Abc in not in the best of moods so I'm going to treat you with as much respect as possible and not make the same assumptions about you that you have made about us. There was an almost 10 year court battle between us and Lizze's ex husband . The only reason it lasted that long was because it took place in his home town and the judge used to be his uncle. They lived almost 3 hours away and Gavin was forced to spend 6 days out of every 14 down there. He was abused and neglected. This started when he was only 6 months old. He was physically and forcefully removed from his mother at an age when that was the worst possible thing that could have happened. According to several of the top psychiatrists in the entire country, what Gavin endured was more than enough to cause the neurological connections to NOT form. As for your rather ignorant comment, no one has ever blamed Gavin for his problem. You obviously haven't read enough of our story to know that. However, his behaviors are very real and have a very significant impact on all of us. Unfortunately, we cannot separate Gavin from the problem behaviors. I'm not sure of your level of education or experience with Reactive Attachment Disorder but I'm guessing by your statements it's not very much. We have done absolutely everything possible to both protect him then and help him now. Unfortunately, what is broken in him, cannot be fixed. Believe me, we've tried. This isn't something that we can just accept and embrace either. Kids with RAD are extremely good at dividing the parents, lying and are also expert manipulators. I can say with a very reasonable level of confidence that you wouldn't last one day in my shoes. This is as kind as I can be to you at this point. We all have bad days and this one was really bad. Until you have taken even a few steps in my shoes, your not in a position to judge. Also, the court records are public record. I'm assuming your going to be questioning that as well. Feel free to look that up. @whynotfathers
@ABC – First of all, I would just like to say that the fact that you couldn't even be man/woman enough to leave your real name simply means that your OPINION (and that's all it is) means absolutely NOTHING. It means that you are a chicken shit who can talk smack like there's no tomorrow, but probably wouldn't be able to walk it! Until you have a spent one day in my BROTHER-IN-LAW & SISTER's life you have NO right to judge them. You have no idea what they go though on a daily basis. You have no idea what goes on in this house. By your comment there is a lot I could say about you, but that wouldn't be fair simply b/c I don't know you. My nephews are ALL taken very good care of. As for where was his loving mother?! Well let me tell you, she was trying to make things work with his piece of shit biological sperm donor. This included getting beaten down in just about every way a person can get beaten down by another person physically, mentally, emotionally you name it. She was trying to protect Gavin and give him a good life, as well as save her own life. Gavin's biological father is a sociopath. Do you know what that term means?! I mean you seem to know everything else. YES Gavin does have a lot of mental issues, more than you probably even care to know, however, having a mental issue or several issues doesn't mean that you shouldn't be held responsible for your actions. Believe me when I tell you that Gavin very much knows right from wrong. He knows certain behaviors are unacceptable. If we use mental disorders as a way to blame away every bad thing that happened at the hands of a mentally "ill" person this world would BURN in choas. I have Bipolar disorder. I have done terrible things you can't even imagine. But does that mean I shouldn't be held responsible for what I have done? I knew the things I was doing were wrong, but did them anyway. Before you judge others maybe you should take a look in the mirror! There is NO perfect parent or perfect person in this world. Rob and Lizze do the best they can, but in the end they have to take into account ALL of their children's safety, health and well being. When one of your children become a hazard or danger to your other children its time to start making tough decisions. Decisions that may not make sense to anyone else, but as I said above, until you walk a mile in their shoes you have no right to judge them. I know Rob loves Gavin with all his heart. He is the best father this boy has ever had. I knew his biological sperm donor before he was even his sperm donor and let me tell you, the world would be a better place without him. Rob loves him more than that biological idiot ever could. If Rob didn't love Gavin do you really think he would have chosen to adopt him and make him his own son knowing the problems he was potentially facing? Its not like Rob adopted Gavin and then all of a sudden Gavin started having all these problems. The fact that Rob stuck by both Lizze and Gavin's sides through all the BS they have been through says it all. No man who didn't love or care about either Lizze or Gavin would have been strong enough to stick around. They would have ran with their tail tucked between their legs.
ABC, There is so much that I need to say to you…where do I begin? First, a blog I read (about a mother of a RAD child incidentally) recently came up with a wonderful definition for a "Troll" – "someone who posts a nasty comment and hides behind a fake email account". Well, you haven't even left an email address at all. So where does that put in the blogging world order?
Now, on to your comment…
Allow me to begin by saying that you are obviously entitled to your opinion. I would never dream of denying you that. However, again, at least be grown up enough to leave your opinion with a method of further communication. Be an adult about the situation.
We blame Gavin for HIS BEHAVIORS. Those are the things which he has direct control over. Does Gavin have horrible FITS? Yes. Are they WITHIN HIS CONTROL? Yes. He does not have meltdowns in the sense that he is over-stimulated to the point of being unable to control himself. Like nearly everything else he does, his FITS are a calculated attempt at manipulating the situation when he has been caught doing something he should not be doing. When he is faced with the opportunity to get out of his consequence IF he stops the FIT, it stops. IMMEDIATELY. As soon as the offer has been made. They are not meltdowns. Does he have many psychological issues? Absolutely. However, I can't help but wonder if we didn't hold him responsible, if we didn't attempt to enforce his boundaries and rules, if he were to do something to a stranger in society as a whole, would you be so forgiving and "Team Gavin" then? Or would you be among those screaming for his head on a platter to make an example of him?
As for "…you donot blame E's for any thing, it is all age, autism and other factors etc…" are you living in my household? Have you babysat for my children without my knowledge? Last I checked NO ONE besides my parents and Rob's parents has had the Boys – either alone or in a combo – in which case you don't know how we run our home, period. Not that I need to explain myself to you but we do hold the E's accountable for their actions. If fact, they are both sick today but they've both spent a fair amount of time on steps today alone. So this statement is false and ridiculous.
How did Gavin get RAD? Clearly you do not read my blog because I've discussed this topic a few different times over the past few weeks. Allow me to educate you on RAD. You are correct TYPICALLY children get RAD when they are grossly neglected over long periods of time, repeatedly. While there were multiple instances of fairly severe neglect on the part of my ex-husband/Gavin's biological father, Nick, those were not what caused his RAD. His RAD was caused when Nick and his mother, Pam, began to use psychological warfare (one of their preferred forms of abuse incidentally) on Gavin during our marriage. (If you want to know exactly what was said, please read  ;http://mylifebeyondlabels.com/2012/09/rad-journey-the-cycle-that-has-brought-us-here/ for more details.) Nick also felt it was perfectly appropriate to sit with Gavin when he was 3-4 years old and show him pornography on the internet. Hearing the things Gavin heard for days at a time – relentlessly – and being exposed to pornography at that young an age by and with your "FATHER" is enough to shift a child off his intended course.
Now, I'm going to be absolutely blunt here. I've restrained myself in writing this comment to the best of my ability up to this moment but you know what, as far as I'm concerned, the "gloves are off"!
"Where was his loving mother, I am sure father was bad, but where was mother, when this child was undergoing so many bad things that he developled RAD. This is not the Gavin's fault, but his parents ONLY."
WHERE WAS I? Seriously?!?! Do you read either of our blogs frequently, at all? Obviously not. Allow me to enlighten you as to "where I was" while I "allowed" those things to happen to Gavin – since that's clearly what you are implying.
– I was fighting Nick and Pam for custody in court against a judge who used to be married to Pam's sister! (Just so you know, that's a HUGE conflict of interest and he should have recused himself but he didn't.)
– I was working my tail off to get the visitation supervised once Nick started collecting DUI's like kids collect trading cards.
– Then when they weren't being supervised adequately, I was working my tail off to get the visits moved to a better facility (better for Gavin, Nick and Pam) but because they'd have to pay to be supervised properly they refused to switch and simply STOPPED SEEING HIM ALTOGETHER. *POOF* They abandoned him overnight in a temper tantrum because they had to pay and didn't want to (they had the money and it wasn't expensive).
– I was busting my tail searching for a therapist who would treat Gavin and help him adjust to ridiculous custody split we had in the beginning (8 days with me and 6 days with Pam starting at age 18 months – tell me that doesn't mess with a toddler's head!) .
– I was spending my days looking for a better attorney who would travel 2.5 hours away because all of the attorneys in Nick's town were connected and it was a conflict of interest to represent me.
– I was going to school full-time and working a student worker job because the judge demanded I do both!
In short, I was doing ANYTHING, EVERYTHING AND THEN SOME just shy of selling my soul to the Devil to protect Gavin from Pam and Nick. Does that adequately answer your question?
Oh by the way, I can assure you that it's GLARINGLY OBVIOUS to myself and anyone who reads either Rob's blog or mine or *gasp* actually knows us IN REAL LIFE that you "…have no idea, what's happening to him right now in this house hold…" Your ignorance as to our situation and what it's like living with a child with RAD are much like a neon sign on your forehead.
In conclusion, I do not know who you are, Abc, although a few suspects come to mind. The long and short of it is this…I would advise that you stick to things you only either A) have personal first hand knowledge of or B) hold your tongue when tempted to speak about things you clearly know NOTHING about!
While I do not say much here on Rob's blog (because it is his space), I am *VERY MUCH A MAMA BEAR* and if you push, poke or otherwise provoke me when it comes to my children (this includes Gavin), my husband or my family/friends I will NOT sit idly by and say nothing. I will correct you. And I will only remain civil for so long.
Sincerely the recently awoken Mama Bear.
@MikeNYvetteKennedy @lostandtired ABC, There is so much that I need to say to you…where do I begin? First, a blog I read (about a mother of a RAD child incidentally) recently came up with a wonderful definition for a "Troll" – "someone who posts a nasty comment and hides behind a fake email account". Well, you haven't even left an email address at all. So where does that put in the blogging world order?
Now, on to your comment…
Allow me to begin by saying that you are obviously entitled to your opinion. I would never dream of denying you that. However, again, at least be grown up enough to leave your opinion with a method of further communication. Be an adult about the situation.
We blame Gavin for HIS BEHAVIORS. Those are the things which he has direct control over. Does Gavin have horrible FITS? Yes. Are they WITHIN HIS CONTROL? Yes. He does not have meltdowns in the sense that he is over-stimulated to the point of being unable to control himself. Like nearly everything else he does, his FITS are a calculated attempt at manipulating the situation when he has been caught doing something he should not be doing. When he is faced with the opportunity to get out of his consequence IF he stops the FIT, it stops. IMMEDIATELY. As soon as the offer has been made. They are not meltdowns. Does he have many psychological issues? Absolutely. However, I can't help but wonder if we didn't hold him responsible, if we didn't attempt to enforce his boundaries and rules, if he were to do something to a stranger in society as a whole, would you be so forgiving and "Team Gavin" then? Or would you be among those screaming for his head on a platter to make an example of him?
As for "…you donot blame E's for any thing, it is all age, autism and other factors etc…" are you living in my household? Have you babysat for my children without my knowledge? Last I checked NO ONE besides my parents and Rob's parents has had the Boys – either alone or in a combo – in which case you don't know how we run our home, period. Not that I need to explain myself to you but we do hold the E's accountable for their actions. If fact, they are both sick today but they've both spent a fair amount of time on steps today alone. So this statement is false and ridiculous.
How did Gavin get RAD? Clearly you do not read my blog because I've discussed this topic a few different times over the past few weeks. Allow me to educate you on RAD. You are correct TYPICALLY children get RAD when they are grossly neglected over long periods of time, repeatedly. While there were multiple instances of fairly severe neglect on the part of my ex-husband/Gavin's biological father, Nick, those were not what caused his RAD. His RAD was caused when Nick and his mother, Pam, began to use psychological warfare (one of their preferred forms of abuse incidentally) on Gavin during our marriage. (If you want to know exactly what was said, please read http://mylifebeyondlabels.com/2012/09/rad-journey… for more details.) Nick also felt it was perfectly appropriate to sit with Gavin when he was 3-4 years old and show him pornography on the internet. Hearing the things Gavin heard for days at a time – relentlessly – and being exposed to pornography at that young an age by and with your "FATHER" is enough to shift a child off his intended course.
Now, I'm going to be absolutely blunt here. I've restrained myself in writing this comment to the best of my ability up to this moment but you know what, as far as I'm concerned, the "gloves are off"!
"Where was his loving mother, I am sure father was bad, but where was mother, when this child was undergoing so many bad things that he developled RAD. This is not the Gavin's fault, but his parents ONLY."
WHERE WAS I? Seriously?!?! Do you read either of our blogs frequently, at all? Obviously not. Allow me to enlighten you as to "where I was" while I "allowed" those things to happen to Gavin – since that's clearly what you are implying.
– I was fighting Nick and Pam for custody in court against a judge who used to be married to Pam's sister! (Just so you know, that's a HUGE conflict of interest and he should have recused himself but he didn't.)
– I was working my tail off to get the visitation supervised once Nick started collecting DUI's like kids collect trading cards.
– Then when they weren't being supervised adequately, I was working my tail off to get the visits moved to a better facility (better for Gavin, Nick and Pam) but because they'd have to pay to be supervised properly they refused to switch and simply STOPPED SEEING HIM ALTOGETHER. *POOF* They abandoned him overnight in a temper tantrum because they had to pay and didn't want to (they had the money and it wasn't expensive).
– I was busting my tail searching for a therapist who would treat Gavin and help him adjust to ridiculous custody split we had in the beginning (8 days with me and 6 days with Pam starting at age 18 months – tell me that doesn't mess with a toddler's head!) .
– I was spending my days looking for a better attorney who would travel 2.5 hours away because all of the attorneys in Nick's town were connected and it was a conflict of interest to represent me.
– I was going to school full-time and working a student worker job because the judge demanded I do both!
In short, I was doing ANYTHING, EVERYTHING AND THEN SOME just shy of selling my soul to the Devil to protect Gavin from Pam and Nick. Does that adequately answer your question?
Oh by the way, I can assure you that it's GLARINGLY OBVIOUS to myself and anyone who reads either Rob's blog or mine or *gasp* actually knows us IN REAL LIFE that you "…have no idea, what's happening to him right now in this house hold…" Your ignorance as to our situation and what it's like living with a child with RAD are much like a neon sign stapled to your forehead.
In conclusion, I do not know who you are, Abc, although a few suspects come to mind. The long and short of it is this…I would advise that you stick to things you only either A) have personal first hand knowledge of or B) hold your tongue when tempted to speak about things you clearly know NOTHING about!
While I do not say much here on Rob's blog (because it is his space), I am *VERY MUCH A MAMA BEAR* and if you push, poke or otherwise provoke me when it comes to my children (this obviously includes Gavin), my husband or my family/friends I will NOT sit idly by and say nothing. I will correct you.
And I will only remain civil for so long.
Sincerely the recently awoken Mama Bear.
I think you are jumping the gun and blaming Gavin prematurely. My 6yo has said similar things since well before he was 4 and his older brother was not speaking at that point. You coud blame him for every negative behavior the Es are displaying now or in the future, but reality is, kids with autism display behaviors, and this one is not so uncommon. Whether Gavin can feel empathy or not, most likely he can feel that you blame him for many of th other boys' issues.
I appreciate your opinion but this is Gavin's influence. I totally understand where you're coming from but this is a very unusual situation and so it doesn't follow the rules.
Rob, have you talked with the board of developmental disabilities?
Also I had an idea, let me know what you think. I would not at all mind being an online role model friend of Emmet and or Elliot's. Let me know what you think of this idea.
For what it is worth, one of my sisters did this at that age and still does it. And I know of other children on the autism spectrum who have also done/said similar things at that age and beyond. Without observing it in another person.
In my experience, people (even kids) tend to say that not because they really hate themselves, but as a manipulative tool. When you say "I hate myself" everyone rushes in to validate you. "Oh, no! You shouldn't hate yourself! You're wonderful! You just made a mistake!" Then, not only are you not in trouble, but everybody is trying to make you feel better. It's too bad that Emmet has learned this manipulative habit from his brother. Hopefully, you're able to redirect him before that becomes too ingrained. Maybe, when Gavin is throwing tantrums, you can say to the little boys, "Boy, that's ridiculous behaviour. It sure isn't going to get him anywhere. I sure am disappointed." and then SHOW them it doesn't buy him any leeway. So sorry. This sucks.
🙁 I'm so sorry that it's come to this.. *hugs to the entire Lost & TIred Family*