Work is rapidly growing, and while that’s good, it’s also making it difficult for me to find balance in my life. I feel compelled to get as much work done as I possibly can, when I’m in a place I can actually focus on it. It’s frustrating because it’s taking a lot out of me, but it’s moving in the right direction. Being able to better support my kids is such a good feeling but it gets drown out by all the unpleasant, racing thoughts in my head.

There’s a million things I need to do today but the bulk of my time has been spent redesigning the podcast logo, so that it’s no long offensive to some in the autistic community. It’s been weighing on me for a while, but I haven’t made the time to address it. I always forget about it and when I do remember, I can’t find all the needed files. That means I have to rebuild it from scratch, and I’m not excited about that.

I decided today that I need to just get this done. I didn’t release a new episode so I could address this issue, and explain it in a bonus episode that I’ll probably release within the next 24 hours. I ultimately way over thought this but Emmett helped me reign myself in, and an autistic friend of mine, helped me decide on the final design changes. It’s important for me to know that I’m addressing the issues that have caused some distress amongst my autistic listeners, followers, and friends. I’m happy with the new logo, and even happier that Emmett and I did this together. I’m sorry it took me so long to get this done.a

At least I can check this off my ever growing list.

Anyway, everything is just piling up on me, and I can feel myself shutting down. I’ve learned that this is known as ADHD paralysis. Here’s a link that explains it better than I can: click here.

Essentially what happens is I become so overwhelmed by everything, I don’t know where to start, I become sorta paralyzed in a sense, and end up doing absolutely nothing. It’s so fucking frustrating. I can’t begin to explain how much I hate it. For the longest time, I thought that I was just unmotivated, but the truth is the opposite.

I see everything as a one giant, insurmountable obstacle. I want so badly to address everything, but I can’t decide what to do first. I overthink it, and ultimately become so overwhelmed that I just shutdown. Nothing gets accomplished, and I begin to drown.

While I don’t beat myself up like I used to, I’m still not very kind to myself either. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m stuck neck deep in it right now, struggling to break the surface, and take a breath before being pulled back under once again.

I’ve learned this is very common for ADHD’ers, and while I’ve probably been experiencing this my whole life, I wasn’t really aware of it, if that makes sense. Now that I know or at least better understand what is happening, it’s a million times more frustrating for some reason. I can’t explain why that is but it just is.

The best way I can think to describe this is that I’m seeing my kids struggling, work piling up, household projects in various states of being incomplete, all that Gavin needs, and everything else going on in my life. I see it all as one giant obstacle, and I can’t break it up into smaller, more manageable pieces. It’s overwhelming, unbelievably frustrating, and I’m simply shutting down. It feels weird to say that I’m not choosing to do this, but it absolutely feels outside of my control.

I’m doing my best to keep my head above water. I know I’ll eventually make it back to the shallows where my feet will find footing, and I can catch my breath. Unfortunately, there’s no time frame for this. I feel like there should be but all that does is add more pressure to a structure that’s not up to code right now to begin with.

It’s not so much that any of this is new to me. I mean, circumstances are different, as well as, people, places, and things, but conceptually, I’ve been down this road before. What has changed however, is that I can now articulate these challenges, as I better understand what’s going on inside my head.

I keep seeing these six month challenges on Tiktok, and I feel compelled to do something like that. The idea is I spend the next six months working on myself. I focus on work, the gym, my kids, my mental health, my physical health, and my immediate environment. Then I look at myself in six months, and see how far I’ve come. I don’t know if I can actually pull something like this off, or if I really even want to, but that’s just sorta where I am.

The more I talk to other adults with ADHD, the more I realize just how much it’s impacting my life. It’s not an excuse for anything, but it is an explanation. Understanding what’s something is the a huge part of better managing it. I’m very much in the learning phase, and when I feel like I have a handle in things, I discover that I have so much more yet to learn.

Will I be okay? I’m sure I will. Is it going to be easy? Probably not, and that’s okay. It’s going to take time, and hard work but I’m worth it. The boys need me and I need to find myself.

I’m going to try writing more often because I think it’s an important part of the journey for me.