I realized this morning that my marriage will officially be over in a week. I'm sure it will be the main topic in therapy this week. This whole thing is a mixed bag for me because letting go of something that was so important to me is incredibly difficult.
There's a roller coaster of emotions surrounding this and as I'm laying here on the couch, listening to my kids kids playing upstairs, I'm getting emotional.
I've been talking to my therapist about this a lot and last week, she was pretty blunt with me. She's a little concerned that while I may be doing *okay* right now, next Tuesday could be a very different story. I'm managing my depression as well as can be expected under all these insane conditions. That said, something significant like divorce could push me over the edge.
For the record, I don't think it will but with 3 kids relying on me, I have to take this very seriously.
It's hard to explain where I'm at because many people assume that you're either okay or your not. Either you're okay with your divorce or you're not. I don't think it's that simple, at least for me.
Am I happy that I'm getting divorced? No I'm not. This isnt something I wanted or even saw coming and it breaks my heart for a million reasons. At the same time, I know it's the best thing I can do for myself and the kids. I feel like I'm straddling the line here. I'm sad and heartbroken but at the same time, I'm okay because I know it's the right thing to do and it will bring closure.
By 9am on February 9th, 2021, my life will go from being married to my best friend in the whole world, to officially being on my own and having to start over. That makes it very real and no longer just an idea. So yes, I think it's going to be hard for me but I also think I'm going to be okay as well.
I tend to adapt to my environment with relative ease and while this has been hard for me personally, the most painful part has been watching my kids struggle with everything. I can deal with losing my marriage much easier than I can seeing my kids in pain.
I think that I may get emotional on Tuesday because this not easy but I don't think it's going to derail my forward progress and eagerness to move on with my life.
Depression is a tricky thing and you never know how something like this will impact but I know my depression pretty well. I don't believe this will be a tipping point in the power struggle I have with depression over control of my life.
That being said, I'm meeting with my doctor to discuss bumping up my antidepressant later this month. I feel like with everything going on, I could use a little extra help. If nothing else, it should help me gain a better foothold in my life and that isn't a bad thing.
