If you're new to this blog, you should know that I use this a sort of a personal journal. Many times, I'm writing about things that I'm experiencing in real time and you go through that process with me.
This is one of those times.
I woke up this morning and I'm finding myself very easily annoyed. Gavin is definitely pushing my buttons, whether he means to or not. For the record, I don't think he does. His brothers aren't too far behind either.
I've been on edge and irritated today and I wasn't sure why until I started writing about this. I remember why and since the kids are already aware, I feel comfortable talking about it.
This week, I meet with Lizze and my attorney. We will be signing the separation agreement, which will become permanent and dissolve our marriage in about six weeks. In Ohio, we have to wait five weeks from the date of filing to get a hearing and in our case, it will be roughly six weeks.
The process for us is very simple. There's no fighting over or dividing of anything. It's straightforward, which makes this much easier. It makes it physically and financially easier that is. There's still an emotional hurdle for me personally.
As far as the kids are concerned, they're doing as well as one can expect kids to do in this type of situation. Because Lizze and I get along so well, that does give them a huge advantage. COVID hasn't made things any easier but there will come a day when COVID will be in the rear view mirror and we can move on with our lives.
Anyway, this has me on edge right now. I understand as much about this as I'm ever going to and I've accepted that my marriage is over. I've chosen not to allow anger or bitterness to live rent free in my person, so I'm mostly at peace with all of this. That doesn't mean I'm not hurt or sad or even heartbroken. It just means that none of those things control me or influence my decisions.
I don't lay awake in bed at night wishing things were different anymore. I haven't cried in over a year and I haven't stress eaten myself into oblivion either. As hard as this is, I know it's the right thing to do for both myself and the kids.
I'm so grateful that everything is as peaceful and amicable as it is. Fighting would only serve to hurt the kids and that's not acceptable to either one of us.
People want to hear that we're going to remain best friends and move on as if nothing had happened but I don't think that's how it works for me, at least for now. I don't know how to be friends with someone who broke my heart in this way. I'm in uncharted territory right now and I'm working everyday to find a path forward. That's just the truth of where I am right now.
What I do know is that Lizze will always command my respect as the mother of my children. Nothing will change that. We will remain a team and help our kids navigate life. Parenting doesn't end when a marriage does. We don't live together and our relationship has unexpectedly and dramatically changed but she will always be my parenting partner in crime.
I won't pretend to think that it's always going to be easy but we've found something that works and that's what matters.
Too many times parents wage war on each other, both during and after divorce. It's such a sad thing because the kids are the ones who pay the price.
You don't have to agree with or even like your parenting partner but everyone wins when we can stow our shit, work together and forge a new path forward.
I'm not telling you that you shouldn't be angry or feel whatever you feel. I don't know your situation. In my case, I didn't want this and I was caught off guard. I have every right to be angry but what good does that do? Will being angry make this easier on the kids? Will it make it easier on me? Of course not.
It's not like I didn't go through all these emotions. I imagine many of you have as well and that's okay. We're all human and we all feel things.
I made the conscious decision to embrace my feelings, experience them and let them go. I'm not saying it's easy to do but I'll tell you what, I feel so much better having done so. I didn't do that for her, I did it for me. Hanging onto anger is toxic and would only serve to make me miserable. A miserable me, isn't what my kids need or deserve. They need me to lead them through this and show them that everything is going to be okay, because it will be.
Working together after you've been hurt isn't easy but the alternative simply isn't an option for me.
The kids deserve both of us at our best and how can that happen if we don't get along. I said it already but I'll say it again. Getting divorced does not absolve you of your responsibilities as a parent.
It doesn't have to be the end of the world either. Things change. People change. That's life and the example we show our kids in situations like this is incredibly important. My kids need to know that mom and dad are still a team and that we're always there for them. They need to know that even though things are different, we're still family. With time, we find our path forward. The kids adapt and we all move on.
I did a whole podcast episode on this with an expert from the APA. I'll embed it below in case you're interested in taking a listen. ☺
