It's been a couple of days and the truth is, I'm just overwhelmed right now. The kids are a handful lately and after almost 270 days of our avoiding COVID journey, I think that is to be expected. Just because it's expected or understandable, doesn't mean it's easy.
We had a relatively quiet Thanksgiving and ended up ordering Denny's via Doordash. We had cooked a turkey a few days prior and the kids wanted breakfast from Denny's. I figured, why the hell not..
That was pretty much the bulk of our week. I think we went for one hike and that was about it (pictures below).
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The battery in the car went bad and I had to get it replaced. I also had to do that while preserving as much isolation as possible.
Thankfully, my brother came to the rescue. I took the car to him while he was at work. He grabbed a new battery, swapped them out and then I paid over the phone. It worked out well and it was great to see him, even if only through the car window.
This is such a challenging time for the boys and I. It's challenging for anyone taking this pandemic seriously and I truly appreciate everyone who is.
I know there are some who think I'm overreacting and that's fine. Perhaps you aren't trying to keep a child who's immunocompromised safe. Maybe the fact that he's more likely to succumb to complications of COVID than most other people hasn't occurred to you. It doesn't really matter though because at the end of the day, I'm responsible for the lives in my house. I have to live with whatever happens.
Truthfully, I was stressed out about his health before the COVID pandemic. This is a whole new universe of worry and there's no way to avoid this. I have to treat all of us as though we're high risk because any exposure to one of us puts all of us at risk. It's a lot of pressure, especially doing it alone.
I've never felt this alone in my entire life. It's seriously isolating and that has an impact on all of us.
The kids miss their friends and they miss their mom. I miss adults in general. At this point, I have only been around my kids for so long I'd settle for a face to face conversation with a terrible person. I miss being able to go places and be around other people without spending the entire time wondering if they're infected or not. I miss going to the movies or out to dinner with my kids. Shit, for that matter, I miss the reality of actually being able to realistically think about dating again. I miss not being alone. It's fucking depressing.
I'm struggling with my depression more recently. I think that probably goes without saying. So many people are struggling with depression right now. I'm far from alone in my struggle but it still feels lonely.
Thankfully, I'm still doing okay. I have my days but who doesn't? I feel like despite our current situation, I'm so lucky that we are doing as well as we are. So many people are far worse off and I make sure never to forget that. Perspective is so important when trying to navigate something like this. I'm also making an effort to remind my kids of this as well.
The holidays are particularly difficult.
I finished about 70% of my Christmas shopping and I will probably complete that in the next week or so. My kids have come of age in regards to Christmas so it's bit less stressful but now it's lost its magic.
Our dining room has a corner full of boxes. It's their presents wrapped in decorative Amazon boxes. There's nowhere to hide them and the kids are always here when the deliveries show up. I could further complicate my life by having them delivered elsewhere but it's not worth it at this point.
The kids don't even want them wrapped. I'm torn on that because truthfully, I don't even want to wrap them. I mean, I miss the magic of Christmas with my kids but I'm so fucking tired at this point, I may just make piles. How terrible is that? It feels pretty terrible to me. We'll see what happens.
In other news, my divorce will begin moving forward this week after the COVID delay. I'm super excited about that. Not really. It's absolutely the right thing to do and I don't even have second thoughts about it. At the same time, it's heartbreaking for me. It's a mix bag of crazy, roller-coaster type emotions.
Having said that, Lizze and I have worked out everything. There's no fighting whatsoever and we continue to be partners in parenting. It's not perfect but it works and frankly, that's good enough for me. Fighting wouldn't be good for anyone, especially the kids.
The emotional part for me is saying goodbye to my marriage. I didn't want this but have come to accept it. As stupid as it sounds, I wanted to be one of those couples married for 50 or 60 years. It is what it is and like I said, I've accepted it and moved on. I truly mean that. On all practical levels, I'm good. It's weird to say that but it's true.
Getting this done will bring closure for me. I'm not sure how the kids will feel but they know it's coming. It's not a secret but it will finalize things and I'm not sure how they will react.
Anyway, aside from that, I did schedule one extra interview for this coming week. It will end up being episode 41 and while I know it's an odd number, it's also a really cool person who's doing something truly awesome for the autism community. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I decided to hold off releasing a new eposide this past Friday because of the holiday. Next release with be this coming Friday.
Oh, I almost forgot. The car has to return to the bodyshop in order to fix issues with the new paint job on the entire driver's side of the car. It should only be a couple of days at most but that presents its own challenge this week.
I'm off to bed while the gettin's good.
