It's been a little while since I've really talked about how I'm doing on a personal level. There's not really a reason for that I'm just a bit overwhelmed and when this happens, it's not as easy for me to write. That said, it's important that I do anyway because it's incredibly therapeutic for me to do so.
For the most part, I think I'm doing pretty well. Could I be doing better? Of course I could. Could I be doing worse? You betcha..
I'm trying to manage a lot right now and it's not easy. The balance between work and family is quite challenging, especially when the kids are learning from home. I need to be working but they need guidance and support because remote learning is a very different animal than we're used to.
It used to be that I would get all my work done while the kids were at school and then focus on them when they got home. Now everything is all fucked up, inside out and backwards. I keep bouncing from one thing to another and back again, never able to focus on any one thing for long enough to make progress.
I haven't scheduled a recording in over a month and I typically do at least two a week. There's been too much distraction and frankly, I'm exhausted.
The kids are doing pretty good, all things considered but they're definitely not getting enough from me and that fact doesn't escape me.
I know at least some of you will understand what I mean when I say *it absolutely sucks knowing that I'm dropping the ball in so many areas. On my best day, I'm not enough to meet everyone's needs, including my own and that can sometimes be a bitter pill *to swallow.
Keeping myself living in the moment is challenging at times but it's really important. If I focus on the *now *than I'm worried less about the past or the future, both of which I have little, if any, control over.
While work is difficult to get done, it's picking back up a little and that's good especially if I can get to it but I digress.
This is what happens when I try to open up right now, I veer off topic and redirect without even realizing I'm doing it. Goddammit that's frustrating.
Look, I'm just going to bottomline it for you. Things are tough and I'm overwhemled. Yes, I have kids with me constantly, and while that's a blessing for sure, I'm still incredibly lonely. I've been connecting with parents offline a bit more lately and I'm meeting some really interesting people. As much I enjoy the phone conversations or Zoom meet ups, I would much prefer talking in person. I almost forget what it's like to be in the same room with another adult, simply enjoying good conversation and company.
There are some truly awesome people out there and I'm glad to connect.
Anyway, there are things I definitely need to work on. Working out is one of them. I started and then stopped and then started and stopped and sorta started again. Depression plays a roll *but *I need to do better. Selfcare has taken a hit but I'm not giving up. I know that I'm worth the effort and I also know my kids need me, so selfcare needs to be a priority.
Therapy is going pretty well. I've been seeing my current therapist for over a year and I really like her. She's helped me a great deal with my upcoming divorce and the journey of putting myself back together after such a life altering change.
As far as that part of my life is concerned, I'm in a good place. I've bounced back and I'm moving forward. It's not perfect and occasionally messy but every single step forward is one step closer to wherever the hell I'm meant to be. The loneliness is rough though but it's also helping me get to know myself as an individual again. I think that's important after a longterm marriage suddenly ends.
Depression is challenging as always but I give as good as I get. I seem to be doing okay in that department, overall. The more I workout the better I feel. Exercise hugely beneficial in managing depression, which is another argument for the importance of selfcare.
I will add that I'm being kinder to myself. That may sound weird but I'm really hard on myself and I'm working on being more forgiving of my very human limitations. It's important to be kind to ourselves. It goes back to the selfcare/self-love thing.
There are some things that I'm really excited about but I'll talk about that shiznit in another post. Trying to keep my thoughts separated..
Before I go, I just wanted to say that I'm so grateful for all the love and support I get from my amazing online family. I truly appreciate it and I try every single day to be worthy of it.
Stay safe everyone..
