So last night was pretty rough. We're coming up on the one year mark since Lizze moved out and while I feel like the kids are doing better, there's still a tremendous amount of pain.
Each of the kids deal with everything in different ways. Gavin simply accepts whatever he's told, never questioning anything. Emmett doesn't want to make waves, so he largely avoids any type of conflict but is angry. Elliott accepts nothing and keeps everything bottled up until he explodes.
It was like an emotional nuclear bomb exploded in my living room last night.
Elliott unloaded a great deal of what he's been keeping inside and all I could really do was listen. I don't agree with everything he said but I won't take away how he feels. As much as I wanted to fix it for him, I couldn't. I eventually got Lizze on the phone so she could take part, as this largely concerned her.
It wasn't pleasant and it's very clear that Elliott is still incredibly angry. Lizze listened to everything he said and I give her credit for that because Elliott was not very tactful. I want Elliott to speak his mind because he needs to be heard. At the same time, I'm trying to help him develop a more respectful approach.
I don't agree with her choices but no matter what, she will always be their mother and there has never been a doubt in my mind that she desperately loves our kids.
Lizze and the boys live in a very black and white world. That's very common for people on the spectrum but it makes things like this so much more complicated.
Lizze isn't a horrible person at all. Parents split for a million different reasons. That's just the unfortunate reality of being human. When you live in a world that's back and white, you tend to put people into two categories, good and bad.
In this black and white world, if a parent leaves, especially a mother, they're bad or don't love you. While maybe that's true in some cases, that's not even close to case in this situation. There's all kinds of nuance missed when you can't see the in-between.
One of the biggest challenges is helping the kids understand that's this is not a black and white issue. Therapy helps but it's going to take time.
I used to wish that I could undo all of this and put things back but there's no going back. It would never work and I won't put the kids through this again. That's not easy for me to say out loud because I hate absolutely everything about this.
As I've grown over the last year, I've also begun to move on. If I had one wish at this point, it wouldn't be to put things back. My wish would be for Lizze and the boys to forge a new path forward. I desperately want them to figure things out and build a new relationship.
People change and sometimes those changes can be a difficult adjustment, especially when kids are involved. It's so important to me, that I do whatever I can to help everyone find their way. Some parents split up, hate each other and work to make the kids pick a side. That's pretty fucking awful but it happens all the time.
Lizze and I understand the absolutely vital role we play in our kids lives, even now. Especially now.
Elliott has every right in the world to be angry or hurt or anything else for that matter. I don't know what it's like to have your mother leave. My parents are still together and I don't have a frame of reference.
I know what it feels like to have my wife leave and it's fucking awful but that doesn't compare to what the kids are dealing with.
Lizze and I are working very well together. I don't talk about her very much out of respect for her privacy and because the story going forward is about me and the kids.
The challenge is healing. Healing takes time and it's much harder for kids to move on because they lack the life experience to understand that things will get better.
I'm a fixer and I know Lizze will totally agree with that. It's really hard for me to see everyone hurting and not be able to fix it. All I can do is be there for everyone, including Lizze.
These moments where one of the kids unload like this are heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting for all involved.
Every single day, we're slowly rebuilding what has been broken. It will never be the same and that's okay. It will be something new. Things like trust are very fragile and must be earned over time. Patience, persistence, love and understanding will help us find the way to whatever the future has in store for us.
I'm choosing to remain positive and I refuse to let any of this negatively change who I am. It's not easy but my kids deserve the very best I have to offer. I need to be the best version of me, and for that to happen, I can't have any room in my life for anger, hatred or resentment.
I'm actually at peace with this, at least for the most part. I still have my days where I'm sad and lonely, especially since lockdown.
All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
