I mentioned yesterday that depression is becoming more of a struggle for me lately. Monday was pretty rough for me but yesterday was a little better.
It's so hard to describe what this is like, especially if you've never experienced depression before. I can say that it impacts pretty much every aspect of my life and that motivating myself to do anything is pretty fucking difficult. It's not laziness at all and it fucking drives me crazy when people assume that. It's more like thinking about doing anything is so overwhelming that it's crippling.
I know that's hard to understand.
There are times that I get stuck inside my own head and that's not always the most friendly place for me to spend time. When I'm in my head, I can become distressed, anxious, distracted and my thoughts can spiral outside of my control. At least that's how it feels.
Depression for me is very frustrating because I fully understand the mechanics of why I feel the way I do, and I know that it's driven by depression but I can't stop feeling. Sometimes, all I want to do is stop feeling, just for a little while. If I can't feel, I can't hurt.
I was talking to my therapist today. For those who don't know, I was a forensic psych major is college. I never finished my degree because I took an EMT class while waiting for another class to open up. I got hooked on emergency medicine and never looked back.
Anyway, I was talking to my therapist about how frustrating depression is for me. When I get stuck in my head, I feel way too much and it's overwhelming. I'm able to take a step back and remind myself that this is depression talking. I can tell myself that I'm feeling and not thinking. I can do all of those things because I'm very aware of the how's and why's but it doesn't change how I feel. That's so frustrating for me.
It's kinda like touching a hot burner, feeling it's hot, knowing that I'm burning myself, wanting to remove my hand but not being able to.
I feel like understanding the problem should make it easier for me to deal with it but it doesn't work that way. I know that depression is making me feel things I shouldn't be feeling, but I can't stop it. The fear, pain, anxiety, and uncertainty completely overwhelm me. I just want to not feel those things for a little while. Just so we're clear, I'm not talking about hurting myself at all. That's not an option for me because it wouldn't solve anything and if things ever got that dark, I know I have people I can reach out to.
There are only so many things I can do to combat this. I take my meds, I have my therapist and I try to take care of myself.
There are times when I literally have to force myself to move forward because I know if I don't, I'll end up being stuck. There are too many people relying on me and the last thing I want to do is let anyone down, especially my kids. Especially my kids.
Elliott came to me before dinner and wanted to go hiking. I was working in post for this week's podcast and there wasn't a ounce of me that wanted to go hiking. I was tired, overwhelmed and just wanted to say no. I didn't even want to be editing the new episode but I was because I have to.
As I mentioned eariler, I'm able to step back and recognize why I didn't want to go hiking. Depression wanted me to stay curled up in my room, kinda isolated, quietly working and under no circumstances did it want me to tell Elliott yes.
It took all I had to put everything down and force myself to say yes. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do but at the same time, I also knew that it was important to force myself to go. The exercise would do me world of good and the kids needed to get away from the house.
We ended up going to Quail Hollow for a short hike. The hike was short because the park became too crowded for comfort or safety. Absolutely noone was wearing a mask or social distancing andbit simply wasn't worth the risk.
While I'm glad we went and I'm grateful for the the time with my kids, I had to force myself to get there. That's just sorta how depression works. It wants to keep you from the things you enjoy because it thrives on dispair.
When depression is actively trying to control my life, this is what it's like. I want nothing more than to do the things I like to do and accomplish the goals I have put before me but there's this invisible force that stops me.
I have to force myself to go through the motions and it's incredibly difficult to do that but it's important that I do because I almost always feel better afterwards. Not only that, but I have people relying on me and as a single parent, there is no one to pick up the slack.
Anyway, my hope is that this helps to provide some insight into how depression impacts my life. We shouldn't be ashamed to speak about mental health. I'm not ashamed to say that I have depression in my life. It's not my fault and I know I'm doing all I can to keep myself centered. Therapy helps. Medication helps. Selfcare helps.
If you're struggling, please get help. I'm here to say that there is no shame in asking for help. If things are so bad that you feel hurting yourself is the only option, please don't give into that. Get help. Talk to someone. You're not alone.
In closing, I just want to be sure that I'm clear so as not cause anyone concern. I'm struggling with depression. There's no two ways about that. At the same time, I'm doing okay. I'm in therapy every week (via telehealth right now). I'm taking my meds and thanks to Hero, I'm not forgetting to do that. The kids are doing as well as can be expected, considering we're in a global pandemic and maintaining lockdown.
I'm not someone who easily gives up. I don't quit because things are hard. It's not easy and it sometimes takes me a minute but I always get back up.
There's a lot going on in my life, most you know about and some you don't. I'm doing the very best I can to navigate life right now and while it's not always pretty or fast, I'm continuing to make forward progress.
The sole purpose of this entry is to help people understand how depression impacts me. If you understand how it impacts me, you might be in a better place to understand what someone in your life might be going through. Talking about things like depression matters because stigma and judgment keep people suffering in silence. That's not okay.
I'm very lucky to have an amazing support system. That support is more emotional in nature now because of COVID19 but I know I'm not along. I'm also aware and eternally grateful to have all of you as well. ☺
