I know I'm not writing nearly as often as I normally do and the truth is, depression is really kicking my ass. I'm still functional but definitely struggling. As of today, we've been on lockdown for 98 straight days. As you can probably imagine, it's running a bit long in the tooth at this point. Unfortunately, there simply isn't any other options. With Gavin being immunocompromised, there literally isn't another way to keep him safe.
We're in this for the long haul and that's likely to be awhile.
I've been hearing from readers both here and on social media, that their *husband, wife, daughter, son* *or other loved one* is immunocompromised as well and they're in the exact same boat.
While my heart goes out to all the other families trying to keep immunocompromised or otherwise high risk loved ones safe, I'm so grateful for the gentle reminder that I'm not alone. Sometimes, I feel like the crazy one because everyone around me is acting like nothing happened or is currently still happening, and here I am locking my family down for 98 days so far.
So many people are ignoring the fact that we're waist deep in a deadly pandemic. As I'm writing this, a notification just popped up saying that as of June 10, 2020, the US has exceeded 2,000,000 COVID-19 infections and suffered 114,580 deaths as a new wave approaches. I don't understand how anyone can be so flippant in the wake of all this.
This is not going to end unless we *all *take this seriously. I mean, how hard is it to wear a mask? My sensory sensitive autistic kids wear a mask on the rare occasion we go to a park, even though we stay far away from everyone. We don't wear masks for our own benefit, we wear them for yours. I can't explain how hard it can be for my kids to wear a mask, and I can't say how disappointed I am to see so many people who don't care enough to return the favor.
98 days of adult free isolation, with my 3 autistic kids, is testing me in ways I hadn't imagined being possible. My kids are absolutely amazing and I love them more than anything in the world. I'm so used to the daily challenges that it's completely normal to me. What's really challenging is the whole no adult contact thing. It's all cartoons, video games and Pokémon up in here. All my oldest incessantly talks about is his Pokémon game and while I've never personally been a fan of Pokémon, it's become *nails on a chalkboard *to me lately. Shamefully, I find myself rooting for team Rocket and hoping that when they inevitably blast off again, they take the entire fucking Pokémon world with them.
In all seriousness, this is whole lockdown/quarantine thing is dragging on and on and on.
I have zero time to myself and my room has become a free for all. The kids are constantly coming in and out, all throughout the day. I still can't get Emmett in his own bed at night and we're approaching the one year mark since their mom left.
These guys are still hurt, sad, scared and very, very angry. The pandemic has made everything so much harder for them. For one thing, they simply have too much time to think about everything and that's not good. It's impossible to keep them distracted all the time and even harder to try and find time to work.
As for me personally, I was still getting used to being on my own when we went on lockdown. While the kids didn't see their mom nearly enough before lockdown, they've only had one, two day visit in the last 100+ days. That's by design right now because we both agree it's the safest approach. It's really hard on all of them, including Lizze. I know she is where she is because she chose this new life for herself. It's what she wanted and this is just one of the many unforeseeable consequences of her new found freedom, but I'm not an asshole. I hate that they aren't able to see each other. I want nothing more then for the kids to have a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship with their mom. I want the same for her. She's irreplaceable and they need each other.
We are tentatively looking at another visit in early July. Lizze and her household will do a 14 day quarantine later this month and assuming it goes well, the boys will have another short visit. I know how important this is to Lizze and the boys, so we're not taking any chances on our end either. The quarantine works both ways. If we break quarantine, we have to wait 14 additional days before the kids can go over, so this is being taken very seriously.
Even when the kids go and visit, I'm still maintaining quarantine on my own. That means I get to sit at home alone and while it's quiet, I can't help but be reminded of how very much alone I am. It's a difficult adjustment after 20 years.
It's all a bit depressing, but I need to the time to myself, even if I don't really want it. My kids also need a break from me as well. I'm sure I drive them crazy to.
I really hope the next few weeks go smoothly because I really want this to happen for all of them, but I digress.
I know I sorta went off on a tangent there and that's okay because it's still therapeutic for me and maybe even interesting for you.
Yes, I'm struggling right now. I'm under a great deal of pressure and can't really do much about it. My anxiety is a bit higher lately which can be distracting and depression is kicking my ass. I'm not sleeping well either because I can't shut my brain off and that's not helping matters at all. I'm hoping that writing will help me fall asleep tonight.
I'm working very hard to make good use this seemingly endless time. My goal is to come out the other end of this COVID-19 lockdown tunnel, in a better place then when we entered.
I want to use this time to get myself into better shape physically and achieve some much needed financial security as well. It would definitely be an added bonus if I can come out of this whole thing emotionally salvageable as well. I know all three of these goals are very possible and the good thing is, I have plenty of time to work on them.
I'm stronger than I give myself credit for and I know I will get myself and the kids through this difficult time in our lives. It's important that I keep reminding myself of that because it's easy to lose perspective, especially when you've been staring at the walls for 98 days straight.
As for writing, I've been working a lot and honestly, when I went on hiatus with the podcast, I sorta found it easier to take a break from everything. I really need to make an effort to write regularly because it helps me to better manage everything in my life. I'm really going to try and do better. I know this isn't the first time I've said that but all I can do is keep trying.
Finally....
Please take COVID-19 seriously. There are many people out there, like my son, who are counting on everyone to be responsible. I really don't see why it's so hard to wear a mask when out in public. We do it for you, please do it for us.
