Look, am I okay? No. No I'm not. I imagine if I asked you the same question (and I do almost every single night on Twitter), many of you would answer the same way. The world is absolutely crazy right now and a lot of us aren't doing okay.
I'm not a unique case here. So many people are struggling right now. The big difference is that I'm openly sharing how I feel. Not everyone is comfortable doing that and that's okay.
My kids and I have been staring at each other for 37 days now. The house feels like it's shrinking and I'm exhausted. There are times that I really struggle and there are times that I'm doing okay-ish. At least as good as one can do under these dire circumstances.
Do I feel alone? Yes, I absolutely feel alone. I was still coming to terms with my sudden, unexpected divorce, as were my kids when all this happened and it's thrown me for a loop. So yes, I feel alone and I'm allowed to feel that way. Being on lockdown doesn't make that any easier. Being on lockdown doesn't make depression management any easier as well. In fact, it seems to fuel my depression and that's probably pretty common right now as well.
I'm tired, overwhelmed, emotionally drained, frustrated and even scared. Who isn't right now? I sorta feel like, if you aren't scared, at least to some degree, you aren't paying attention.
We're all going through this, or at least some version of this right now. What makes my situation different than most is the added challenge of being a special needs parent. The many Autism or Special Needs families out there right now trying to make it through this difficult time, are really struggling. Again, this is not unique to me.
People are more aware of my situation because I openly talk about it. I talk about it here, on Twitter, my podcast, and in interviews (most recently ABC News and BBC World). I have a platform that many other parents in similar situations don't necessarily have.
If you have been following this blog for awhile, you should know but maybe could use a reminder, that this is blog is like a personal journal for me. It's therapy for me. Sometimes I just need to vent and I've been needing that more frequently as of late. It is what it is and I'm not trying to be doom and gloom. The reality is that my life and the lives of my 3 kids are impossibly difficult right now. We can't seem to catch a break and it's been one traumatic experience after another for the last year or so.
There are days that it gets to me more than others. There are days I just want to fucking scream but there are also days like today where I'm treading water.
I guess the point is this. This blog is meant to be a glimpse into my life. I share the good, bad and ugly. Right now, life is much more challenging and I'm struggling more often. I'm not angling for sympathy and I'm sorry if it's coming across that way. I would honestly write the same way, even if no one read it.
This is a process for me and I allow you a look behind the curtain. It's not always pretty because life is sometimes messy.
If reading my personal experience is unpleasant for you, please feel free not to read. I'm totally okay with that. If on the other hand, you find value in this, please share it with those who might benefit.
Anyway, I'm exhausted and desperately in need of sleep. I'm so grateful to everyone who's reached out to ask how I'm doing or how the kids are doing. The means so much to me and helps me feel a little less forgotten.
I'm very lucky to have such a supportive family. My parents calls me almost every day. They just want to make sure I'm okay and the kids are okay. There's nothing anyone can do to lighten my load right now or for the forseeable future. The boys and I have to remain isolated in order to protect Gavin, as well as oursleves. That's just the way it is. It's not easy on anyone, but it's especially difficult for the boys. They miss Lizze, their grandparents and their friends. Lizze and I decided when this all began, that visits would have to stop for the duration. It's a big sacrifice but it's best for everyone involved. I'm grateful that we can still work as a team.
There's nothing we can do about any of this right now, as it's outside of our control.
My main goal is to get the kids through this, while ensuring their physical and emotional wellbeing. That's not an easy task.
For now, this is all I have to say. I truly hope this finds you doing well. I hope you and your family are safe and healthy. I'm off to bed now. Thanks for listening.
On a side note.
This was meant to publish last night. I was too tired to finish and send it. Better late than never. ☺
