I'm trying to write more but the truth is, I'm barely fucking hanging on right now. Last night, in a massive emotional outbursts, Emmett ripped up his schoolwork. He wasn't trying to be difficult or oppositional. He's so overwhelmed by everything and simply not coping well.
We've officially crossed a line with the schoolwork at this point. There isn't a child in this country who's education isn't totally fucked up right now. This is causing my kids far too much distress and me too much anxiety. I'm fucking done.
I'm fighting feelings of being a total parenting failure right now but the truth is, I'm failing either way. If I force my kids to continue doing the busy work, I'm letting them down because it's clearly not in their best interests right now. If I just give up and put their health and emotional well-being first, I'm failing them in regards to their education. At this point in time, my absolute priority is getting them through this pandemic and honestly, school isn't even on my fucking radar.
My kids have lost so much in the last year and were struggling to hang on before lockdown. Now it's infinitely worse for them.
Kids with Autism or other special needs are not going to do well. There are of course exceptions but overall and in general, this is pretty much a worst case scenario when it comes to special needs parenting.
Parents like myself, struggle on the good days and total lockdown due to a worldwide pandemic is not a good day. We're on day 36 of sheltering in place and it's getting harder on everyone. The longer this goes on, the worse things get. Unfortunately, there is literally no other option right now. Lockdown is absolutely essential and every single fucking idiot who continues to ignore the stay at home order is literally putting lives at risk.
Stay the fuck home.
I can't believe how many thousands of people are planning on attending Easter mass in person. I'm not sure it gets anymore selfish than that. God is not going to protect you and you will be putting your entire community, including your loved ones, family and friends, at grave risk. For what?
Every single person who isn't taking this seriously is putting people like my immunocompromised son, at serious risk. This isn't okay and I don't understand how anyone can behave this way.
I'm so fucking tired. I have no help. I'm alone and while I know I'm doing the right thing by locking down, I don't know if I can find the strength to keep this up.
I know that there are people out there who think I'm just this amazing father and I'm sorry to disappoint but I'm just as human as everyone else. I'm barely hanging on right now and I'm venting in a brutally honest way because I've got nothing else right now.
My family is amazing but everyone is on lockdown as well. My wife has been gone since August of last year and I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my entire life.
I know I have an amazing online community of people and I'm so grateful for everyone but I haven't been in the same room as another adult for at least 36 days. I love my kids and I will do anything for them, without hesitation. At the sametime, I'm spent. I can't sleep at night and taking care of myself has become incredibly difficult for a million reasons, depression being a huge part.
I was just interviewed live, on BBC Worldwide a few hours ago and have been flooded with email and messages of support on social media already. I'm so appreciative and I'm grateful to connect with every single one of you.
This is just a long time coming for me and I feel like I'm crumbling.
I desperately need a treadmill because I need to run or walk. I have to burn off all this negative fucking energy. BowFlex is giving away some of their cardio equipment and I've entered the contest, with the hopes of winning so can get my head above water.
Yes, I know I could walk up and down my steps or do some other form of whatever, without equipment but it's not the same thing. I don't get what I need from using my staircase or running in place. I'm in a shitty mood and hoping that venting will relieve some of the pressure. My chest is physically heavy from this crushing anxiety and it's scary.
I'm not going to have a stroke or heart attack, at least I hope not. Right now, this is anxiety and stress. It's understandable and as I find ways to calm myself, I physically feel better. I have to do better. I have to do better.
I can't give up because my kids deserve better and they're counting on me to get my shit together.
