I'm burning the candle at both ends. I'm sleep deprived and not running on all cylinders. Emmett's really struggling right now and last night he was in crisis. It's not something I will go into details about but I'm currently working with Akron Children's, his therapist and his mother to do whatever we can to help him.
He's safe and at home. I'm managing things at home, and that's a huge plus. He's an Autistic kid who's being forced to deal with things no kid should have to deal with. He's been through a great deal this year and doesn't have the tools to cope with all of it. Your thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated for both Emmett and Elliott. Gavin can always use them for different but no less important reasons as well.
That has been consuming most of my time and energy right now and I'm exhausted. I'm still kicking but things aren't going to be getting any better for right now.
Frankly, all of us, with the exception of Gavin, are struggling emotionally with the break up of our family. The boys are not doing well with it and it's significantly impacting their lives right now. It's incredibly heartbreaking to see them go through all this and not be able to take away their pain. It slowly wears me down and breaks me in ways I don't know how to repair. It makes my grieving process much more difficult.
I'm doing the best I can but I know it's not enough.
It's really important to me that my kids have a good Christmas because I want them to feel like kids again. I want them to forget about all of this shit, even if it's for a little while. It's been tough because the kids have been sick for weeks and I'm struggling to get some of the Christmas shopping done. I've got some done for each of the kids but I haven't finished.
As we approach the new year, I very much want to make sure that we take back control over our lives. I want the kids to start having friends come over. I want to better maintain the house and provide a calmer, more relaxed environment for the most important people in the world to me. I want to help my kids heal and I want to heal myself as well.
This trip to Florida we've been invited to take, is not going to be easy to pull off. Aside from it being a really good cause and finally being able to give back to Give Kids The World, we need the break.
We've only ever taken 1 vacation in almost 20 years. The kids had lots of great memories but now they're tainted. They asked me to remove all the pictures from Gavin's wish trip to Florida because seeing us together as a family is too hard. I obviously didn't get rid of them but I did pull them from display. Someday they'll may feel differently.
They want to be able to make new memories and I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen. It's exciting but it also weighs heavy as well.
It's really hard to manage all this and I really need to catch a break.
I'm finishing off the last 2 episodes of season 2 of the podcast and will probably take a couple weeks off before digging into season 3. I need to make some changes and get ahold of some additional equiptment. I'm currently working with Emmett to design new cover art for the pod and I'll hopefully have that done sooner than later. He really wants to be involved in the podcast and I'm trying to find ways in which I can do that. Right now, he's helping me test the audio. When I think have a mixdown ready, he will listen to it through headphones and take note of anything I missed. He ses to enjoy this and I really like that it's something we can do together.
As for me, I struggling both physically and emotionally. Depression is definitely a major problem for me but I'm still fighting. My weight loss has stopped and I'm not making any new progress. That said, I'm not gaining what I lost back, so at least there's that.
The reality is that the 4 of us have a great deal going for us. Work has been pretty good and I just need to keep focusing on that but it's proving difficult with everything going on around me. All things considered, I'm doing a good job, or so I'm told. The biggest critic of myself is me and while I judge myself harshly, those in my life had a better perspective. I'm just going to take the compliment and keep doing my best.
We have several appointments in the morning but they need to happen. The only thing that may interfere is winter weather. It may end up being a snow day and that will create problems.
For now, I promised myself that I would go to bed as soon as Emmett fell asleep and that's what I'm going to do.
