It's been a few days since I've written much and there's a few reasons for that. Firstly, the podcast is gaining traction and it's requiring a good bit of my time. Secondly, I'm having a hard time focusing on writing. Thirdly, and this ties in with difficulties in focusing, I'm struggling in general.
With the holidays approaching, I'm beginning to face the reality that my family has been torn apart. It's not like I didn't already know that but the holidays are really important to me. It's like, no matter what else is going on around me, I had my wife and kids. At the end of the day, that's all that mattered. The holidays are all about family and now mine is broken.
It's going to be hard for me to cope but it's going to be even harder on the kids because they're going to be forced to bounce around in order to spend time with both their parents. There's a reason we kept the holidays low key and limited travel. They're already struggling with everything going on, and the holidays make it more real, if that makes sense.
As it stands, and for reasons outside of my control, holidays will forever be different. I know that in time, we will all adjust but we're not there yet.
Moving on......
Parent teacher conferences took place last night and I'm incredibly proud to share that Emmett is doing really well. Academically, he couldn't be doing better and while he struggles emotionally at home, for the most part, he's doing great while in school.
I'm so proud to also share that Elliott is doing very well academically. His grades are solid and that's awesome. The problem, however, is that he's very much struggling emotionally. All of his teachers are extremely concerned about him because he appears to be massively depressed.
He talks to them and it's very clear that he's constantly worried. He sorta tries to disappear at school because he doesn't want to be there and the reason for that is that he can't stop thinking about his mom leaving. He's overwhelmed by his thoughts and he can't shut them down. It's eating him alive, interfering with his sleep, and causing him to retreat into himself.
I'm aware of these struggles but hearing it from his teachers, makes it even more heartbreaking for me.
Elliott's in therapy and on medication to help with these issues but clearly, they aren't helping enough. I need to do something to help him because as I mentioned above, the holidays are only going to make things worse.
Divorce is hard on any kid but kids with Autism are so incredibly sensitive and they can become hyper-focused on things. They don't handle change well and can struggle with their emotions on a good day.
As with many kids of divorce, Elliott is sure that his parents are going to get back together. He's very focused on that and I've had to take a more aggressive (for lack of a better word) approach in explaining to him, that's not going to happen. At therapy on Tuesday, the therapist and I were talking with the Elliott about this. The last thing I want to do is snuff out his hope but he doesn't understand everything that transpired.
I had to tell him that *even if mommy wanted to come home today, I can't allow that to happen. There are grownup things that you're just to young to understand and I need you know that I will not allow mommy to come home.* I have to do what's best for my kids and as painful as this is to say, I have no choice.
I hated having to say but it needed to be said. If Elliott's spending his time waiting for his mom to decide to return, he's never going to move forward. He needed to know that I am the one that would prevent that from happening, should she ever change her mind. He trusts me and I asked him to please trust me when I tell him that I have to do what's best for him and his brothers period.
This whole thing sucks and I'm absolutely heartbroken for a number of reasons. My own personal pain aside, seeing my kids in pain and struggling is quite literally the hardest part of this whole thing.
I'm trying very hard to walk a fine line here. I'm not sharing anything the kids don't already know. She's not a bad person, but she's also not the same person we've known.
Everything in our lives has been turned upside down but she loves them and that is not up for debate. I won't pretend to understand her anymore but I do not question that she loves the kids. While I don't agree with or support her decisions, I absolutely believe that the kids need to maintain at least some kind of relationship with her. They love her unconditionally and while they're hurt and angry, they need her in their lives. She's their mother and absolutely nothing will ever change that.
The only time I ever really get angry is when I see the kids struggling as a result of this. That makes me angry, because it's not fair that they have to go through this. It's not fair that any of us have to go through this. Many lives have been impacted.
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt the other person. It's not worth it and it's ultimately self-destructive. I'm trying very hard to let the anger and pain go. I need to do that in order to move forward and be the best version of me I can be for my kids. While it's true that these are incredibly trying times for my and my kids, it's an opportunity for personal growth and fresh starts.
