I get that he’s pissed off at the world and he has every right to be. I also know that I’m the only constant in his life and therefore I’m safe to lash out at. While I can take it, it still fucking hurts to hear some of the things he’s saying.

Maybe his mom would understand him better but guess what, she left. I’m what he has and I’m doing the best I can to hold everything together for everyone.

I give everyone in my life all that I have but I’m just not enough for anyone and that fucking hurts.

I just got done getting disrespected and talked down to because I don’t get him. What he wants is something I can’t do and nothing I say is getting through to him.

I’m surviving right now but having her thrown in my face fucking hurts.

I don’t talk about this to anyone, especially my kids, but guess what, I lost my fucking best friend of 20 years. I lost the person I loved more than anything in the world and literally spent half of my fucking life with. I lost the person I would have died for without a seconds thought. I lost the mother of my children, my parenting partner and the woman I wanted to grow old with.

I fucking lost more than I ever let on, and it hurts every single fucking day.

It feels like so many people in my life are screaming that I’m just not enough, and that fucking hurts. I know Elliott’s angry and he’s allowed to be but it’s hard not to feel like a failure when I can’t make things better for him.

Sorry for the rant but I feel like shit right now and I needed to get that out.

I love my kids with all I am and I’m there for them every single day. I’m not angry with any of them for any reason at. I just wish I was better than I am.