I've mentioned many times in regards to my wife leaving that the kids and I are going to have good days and we're going to have bad days. Over the last couple of weeks, we've been lucky enough to have more good days than bad. Unfortunately, today is a bad one.
Our morning started out well, and then it very quickly fell apart.
While getting ready for school, Emmett had a very emotional breakdown and became inconsolable. He screamed things about how *we're a broken family and how other families are happy and having fun, while we're traumatized. *Those are his words. He said a few other things but you get the point.
He's demanding answers to things that only his mom can answer, but probably won't and rightfully so. There are grown-up issues that they are simply too young to understand. The problem is that both Elliott and Emmett are extremely mature for their age and are not accepting the kid-friendly or kid appropriate answers they're being given.
While they're incredibly mature, they are not in the same place emotionally. They basically want answers to things they couldn't emotionally handle.
I had a very difficult time calming him down, and Elliott wasn't too far behind him, although he's not expressing it the same way.
I spoke with the school, who's aware of what they need to be aware of, in order to support the kids. I needed to let them know what was going on because, at the very least, we were going to be late. I decided that I would try a late start and see if that helped. The school agreed that was the best approach.
I took Elliott and Emmett with me to get Gavin's blood work done. After that, we got donuts and went to get the tags on the car renewed at the BMV. Turns out my license was expired as well, so I renewed that at the same time. $100 later and I'm back on the road. I will say that the price tag sucks but I was in and out in less than ten minutes. You can't beat that.
From there, I headed to school. Emmett was feeling a bit better and decided it was best if he went. Elliott however, began panicking at the idea of going to school. He started telling me he was too tired to go, and his head hurt. Both of those things may be true, but I suspected there was more to it than that and he just didn't want to talk about it. I asked him if he was upset about anything else and he said no. I didn't believe him, but I also didn't push.
As we got closer to the school, he confessed that he was upset about his mom leaving again. He went into a much more in-depth explanation, but I'm going to leave it at that.
It took a bit of work to get him into the school building. I told him that we would go speak to the office and figure out what's best. If that meant I take him home, that's fine. If that meant him staying there, even better. I think the distraction is critical for him and being surrounded by people who love and support him is a good thing.
Emmett went to his classroom without an issue. Elliott and I met with the office staff. They are all aware of the split and are incredibly supportive.
Elliott broke down for the first time since this all happened. He sat on the floor and sobbed and sobbed. It was heartbreaking. I hugged him and told him it was going to be okay, but of course, how could he believe that? His whole world has been turned upside down. Elliott's crying, I'm crying and the staff is in tears because this is so heartbreaking.
One of Elliott's friends came into the office and sat down next to him. He reached out to Elliott and tried to comfort him. Keep in mind this is a school for Autistic kids. As painful as it was to see Elliott go through that, it was very moving to see his friend try and comfort him. It was awkward, but it was incredible.
Unfortunately, nothing helped until his teacher came down. She convinced him to move to a chair in another room so they could talk. I stepped into the hall to speak with some of the staff. I told them I don't know what to do. I don't know how to navigate this.
After after ten minutes, his teacher convinced him to stay, at least for a little while.
The original plan was to leave and call to check on him about an hour later. If he still wasn't okay, I would come to get him. I couldn't even get that far because he did not want to let me out of his sight. I think he's struggling with what amounts to abandonment issues and I'll bring that up on Tuesday.
I didn't want to leave him without him being okay with it because I don't want him to think or feel like I'm leaving him. Does that make sense? At the same time, I feel that school is the best place for him right now. This is an awful situation and I don't know what the right thing to do is.
I can't even begin to explain what this was like. It rips me apart to see my kids in so much pain.
At this point, Elliott and Emmett are both at school, and I'm at home getting Gavin's IVIG infusion started. In about twenty minutes, I'm going to call and check on the boys. The deal is, if they're not okay, I'm coming to get them. We figured that while we need to push them, we don't want to push them too far. They have major trust issues, and I need to be very careful with that.
This sucks. It kills me to see my kids hurting and not be able to take away their pain. A situation like this is difficult for any child, however, kids with Autism can experience these things so much more intensely, while at the same time, lacking some of the basic tools to help them cope.
I hate everything about this, and all I can do is help guide them through. I'll be there to celebrate the joys, help them up when they stumble, and I'll carry them when they need it.
I wish things were different, but they aren't, and I can't do anything to change that. I'm so sorry they have to experience this. I'm so so sorry.
