I'm really struggling with Gavin lately. He's a great kid, and while there's some debate over his motives, I personally don't feel like he's doing anything on purpose.
Yes, he's making choices that drive me fucking crazy, but I don't think he's trying to do so.
Frankly, Lizze and I agree that there is an element of choice involved in at least some of the things he does, we just don't really know for sure where that line is.
I'm supposed to call the Cleveland Clinic later this week and find out the results of his neuropsych testing from a few weeks ago. That's going to provide more insight into how his brain is operating and more importantly, at what level he's functioning on.
Lizze, Dr. Pattie and I all agree that he's continued to regress in the years since his last neuropsych battery. It's unclear how far that regression has progressed.
He's struggling in most areas of his life, but it's not always consistent. Sometimes he surprises us with his ability to problem solve, and other times, he can't figure out how to open the front door.
There are times when Gavin reacts in a way that's a little more consistent with his physical age, and other times when he reacts to things like a four-year-old. It's very inconsistent and we never really know what we're going to get, so we avoid rocking the boat as much as possible, and that's fucking awful.
The results of his neuropsych testing will not fix anything. We're hoping they provide us with insight into how his thought process works and what we can do to better work with that or adapt our lives to meet his needs.
I get so tired of repeating myself and answering the same goddamn questions, over and over again. I've been doing that for the upper half of the last twenty years, and that's not going to change. Honestly, we know that it's only going to get worse as time marches on.
Today is one of those days that started out pretty good, but as I was pelted with questions, I began to slowly, or not so slowly break down. I didn't yell or scream at him. I go to great lengths not to do that. I'm far from perfect but I do my best. No, instead I simply checked out. I just sorta give up and resign myself to the fact that this is never going to end.
Something you need to know about me is that I have a wicked sense of humor in real life. It's how I don't go crazy. Lizze will often say that she has four kids. It's sometimes difficult to convey that sense of humor in a blog post, which is one reason I really like podcasting.
Anyway, it's in that spirit of humor that I leave you with this.
Depression has begun to pull strings, and I get lost in thought. Unfortunately, those thoughts are of the fact that I will be doing this for the rest of my natural life. If I'm lucky enough to live as long as my grandparents, I'll be in my nineties, sitting in my nursing home answering the same goddamn questions from him.
I guess the upside is that I could just turn off my hearing aid at that point.
