In so many ways, I’m on my own because Lizze is very limited by her physical and emotional health. There’s not always the ability to offload anything. Most of the time, if I can’t get it done, it doesn’t happen. It’s certainly not her fault, and it’s not the kid’s faults for all they have going on either.

I spend a great deal of time simply triaging everything that’s flying at me. I have to decide what I can drop and what I have to figure out how to juggle.

Even on my absolute best day, I’m dropping the ball in multiple areas of our life, and that often means I’m not meeting someone’s needs. It’s a fucking awful feeling, and nothing anyone can say will change that. It just is.

So the truth is I’m not okay. I’m struggling to keep my family above water, and I’m trying desperately not to drown.

I’m doing what I can for myself, but there’s only so much that can be done when my stress is situational, and there’s no changing the situation, at least not right now.

I need to win the fucking lottery. OMG, that would be amazing. It wouldn’t fix everything, but it would help me build the necessary resources to begin the task of un-burying ourselves from almost twenty years of shit that’s piled up.

I’m not okay right now, and I don’t think I’ll be okay tomorrow either, or the next day for that matter. I will relentlessly take on each day and continue to do the best I can. I’m not a quitter, and when I fail, it’s not for lack of trying.

We so desperately need to catch a break, but those are few and far between.

I’m really sorry to unload this on you folks. I know that many of you are struggling yourself and come here for inspiration or comfort. There’s not a lot of that going around tonight, and I apologize for that.

Right now, I’m completely drained and need to sleep. I’ve not been sleeping, and that certainly isn’t helping. I’m exhausted, and with any luck, I’ll crash and wake up in a better.