It's been a little while since I've spoken about Depression. Depression has been an uninvited and unwanted guest in my life for far too long. I think it first began when I was a teenager and maybe a little eariler than that. There were triggering events in my childhood that have recently resurfaced, creating chaos in my life.
What I wanted to do was talk about how Depression impacts me as a human and how it effects my ability to function as a husband and an Autism/Special Needs parent.
If you're looking for the cliff notes, I can sum it up in two words. Depression has a *catastrophic impact *on my life. It just does.
There are literally countless ways that Depression impacts my daily life.
For me personally, Depression is like a third hand grabbing the steering wheel while I'm driving and it's not there to help make sure I'm driving safely. All it wants to do force me off the road and head on into a fucking tree.
If Depression had its way, I'd never take a shower or for that matter, even get out of bed. I'd yell at my kids for things that don't matter and I'd retreat into complete isolation whenever I could. I'd avoid contact with all the people in my life and not even answer the phone if it rang.
If Depression had its way, I'd stop taking care for myself and I'd cope with food. I'd stop exercising and not give two shits and a flying fuck when I gained all the weight back. I'd give up on work and stop writing altogether.
If Depression had its way, I'd not care if my kids took their meds or if they went to therapy. I wouldn't worry about them getting to school or doing their homework. I wouldn't praise them for doing well or even care if they were doing poorly.
If Depression had it's way, I would become self-destructive and not care who I hurt in the process. I wouldn't pay attention to what others were going though or even help if I could. I would shun all responsibility and not give a shit.
If Depression had its way, I'd spend every waking minute, of every single day, thinking of ways to end my life.
I'm very serious about this and while it may sound extreme, you're not in my head as I wage war against the Depression that never stops trying to control my life. Every one of these things are a daily struggle. Every thought weighs heavy and pushing through is not easy or even possible on some days. I'm very proud of the fact that I'm vertical and doing as well as I am.
Depression impacts everyone differently but the one thing we all have in common is that Depression is invisible to those around us. That means that most of the people in my life don't see what I'm struggling with it.
I'm very open about it because I believe that no one should feel ashamed about their war with Depression. People with Depression often suffer in silence because unless you're warring with Depression yourself, it's very difficult to understand what Depression is and it becomes more of an abstract idea than a real life struggle. Openly talking about my struggle is how I'm choosing to help others understand and even encourage a conversation about Depression that benefits everyone.
Dealing with Depression can be very difficult. The three corner stones of treatment are cognitive therapy, medication and life-style changes. Everyone is different and therefore treatment can vary. As an example, cognitive therapy hasn't always been of huge benefit to me personally. I talk to someone when I need to but my focus has been medication and life-style changes, especially over the past year.
I consider my relationship with Depression to be like two countries at war. I have a lifetime of battles under my belt. Some battles I've won and some I haven't.
I'm currently engaged in one of the most difficult battles I've fought against Depression in a very long time. I recently experienced a triggering event that if you're a regular reader, you read about several posts back. It's knocked me on my ass and has completely shook up my snow globe, as my wife likes to put it. I'm very much struggling and even everyday tasks are becoming increasingly more difficult.
It's not easy but I'm pushing myself to do what's necessary in order to wage this war and defend myself, while very much trying to limit its impact on my family.
Not only is writing an important part of my war with Depression, it's also how I provide for my family. Writing is so much more difficult for me when I'm going through this but it's also one of the best ways I have to cope. If I don't write, all of these things build up inside of me and fuel to the fire that Depression needs to thrive. I also feel an enormous amount of pressure because if I don't write, my family doesn't eat. It's very overwhelming for me right now but perfection isn't my goal, *not giving up* is.
Writing this post has taken me most of the afternoon and I haven't said all I wanted to because I can't stay focused. Normally, I could write something like this in fifteen or twenty minutes. At the moment, I'm not focused on how long it takes me but rather on the fact that I'm sticking with it and seeing it through to the end. It's really important and while it's a tremendous amount of pressure, I have to push through it.
There are other struggles like dealing with the daily challenges of being an Autism and Special Needs parent. I'm doing the best that I can to ensure that my problems don't become my kids problems. It's exhausting but at the end of the day, I think I'm doing pretty good in that area. I'm short on patience but I'm making sure that I remove myself when I feel like I'm drowning, which is pretty often.
My family is what drives me to do all the things Depression wants me to stop doing. When I'm done with this post, I'm dragging myself to the park and I'm going to push myself through a three mile walk. There's no part of me that wants to go out in the cold but I know that it's for the greater good. My wife and kids deserve the best I can offer and walking helps me to center myself. I find strength in the solitude and when I come back, I tend to be better equipped to handle the challenges that lay before me.
Depression sucks. It has a catastrophic impact on my life and its very much like an out of control, roller coaster ride. It's scary. In fact it's terrifying. It steals and it hurts but I can fight back. Depression is a huge part of my life but I try every single day to keep it from controlling me. It often means that I drop a great many things because I have to narrow my focus in order to survive. The house takes a back seat and the laundry piles up. Bills don't get paid because I struggle to work and be a full time caregiver at the same time.
Depression makes every failure feel so much worse and while that knocks me down, I have to get back up and try again. On the best of days, I'm far from perfect and Depression likes to make sure I focus on my imperfections because it breaks me down.
This post has been an exhaustive process for me because I'm forcing myself to stay in task and it's overwhelming. Talking about it like this helps to ensure that my war with Depression never becomes secret. Secrecy and isolation are Depression's best friends.
If you're struggling with Depression, don't do so alone. Talk to someone you trust and get help. You matter to this world, regardless of what Depression might have you believe. ☺
