I get to the point where I want to put a sticky note on my forehead that simply says, it’s on backorder.

I try very hard not to allow this frustration to turn into anger because it’s not his fault but that’s easier said than done. I feel insane amounts of guilt.

For every behavior that Gavin has little or no control over, there’s a dozen more that seem to be choices. It’s really difficult to react to everything in a vacuum. In other words, it’s hard to be patient with the repeated questions when I’ve spent the last hour brokering a peace treaty between three Autistic kids because Gavin insists on trying to parent them, causing World War III.

It’s tough to not to be frustrated with his repeated questions when he keeps saying things to Elliott that he knows are going to set him off. Elliott is a very difficult bomb to defuse and it rarely ends well for anyone.

It’s not like I can erase all the build-up of frustration throughout the day, so when he asks me the same goddamn questions, over and over again, I can just deal with it. Life doesn’t work that way. All of these things have a cumulative effect.

The fricking guilt I feel when I get frustrated with him is unbelievable.

Anyway, this is especially true when I’m not in a good place to begin with. Depression has been a life long companion but not my friend. I know there’s always a chance that depression will stop by for an unplanned visit, and I have no way of knowing how long it will take to kick her to the curb. I’m not sure why I say her but I’ve always thought of depression as a her.

I don’t know. I’m just not in a good place and these things are really getting under my skin.

Autism parenting is not an easy job and sometimes I wonder if I’m harder on myself than life ever could be?