I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed today. I know that sorta seems like the current trend but the truth is the truth and whether it's pleasant or not is irrelevant.
I wish I could pinpoint the cause of these feelings but there's simply too much going on that's creating undo stress, to know up form down. Things like depression, financial problems, physical/emotional health struggles and even safety issues where we live, all play a roll.
The day didn't get off on a good foot. While the boys are doing a bit better as the day goes on, they won't make it to school.
Gavin is being Gavin this morning and while I'd never want him to be anyone other than himself, his constant need to narrate he life is driving me crazy.
I can't adequately explain how much his nonstop talking can errode away my already endangered sanity. Every question, random thought and play by play of whatever he's doing, slowly but surely chips away at me. Over time, it does serious damage. I've said this many times before but we could put Gavin in an interrogation room with an unbreakable suspect and Gavin would talk at him until the suspect breaks.
I know this is a huge part of why I'm struggling right now but to there are many other pieces and parts as well.
There are so many things that need to get done in our life and my ability to address these things is significantly limited by all the responsibility that comes with being a full-time caregiver to multiple people.
The best I can do is never enough and whenever I manage to get us into better place, something has always come along and taken my legs out from underneath me.
I've been doing this for so long that I don't really know anything else. On most days, I'm able to at least process things and that helps keep me afloat.
Some days however, are just so overwhelming that a large part of me shuts down. It's a self-preservation thing and not something I really have any control over. I do my best to manage and have been focusing heavily on self-care but on days like this, I could walk 50 miles and it wouldn't make a difference.
I know there are many people out there who are struggling. Some of those people are far worse off and I try to keep that in mind because perspective is important to me.
At the end of the day, these feelings are very powerful and no amount of positive thinking can break me free from them. What I desperately need is for things to at least slow down so I can catch my breath. It rarely does and that's why I find myself where I am right now.
You can disagree with me or feel like I'm a negative person and that's okay. My reality however, is that Autism parenting can feel so defeating because of it's never-ending nature. It can be demoralizing but these days will pass and the sun will shine on us once again.
