Emmett is living with Autism, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, ADHD, and a very rare, painful fever disorder.
As for me, I’m living with PTSD and depression.
It’s fair to say that life can be very challenging on a good day and seemingly impossible on the not so good days. Thankfully, we do have good days but we also have quite a few not so good days as well.
My life centers around being a full time caregiver for all three kids and Lizze, when she needs it.
I’m burning the candle at both ends and that leaves me very weary. There are times when I cope with this better and times that I basically flail.
I’m currently flailing quite a bit.
It’s really important that I not lose myself in this distress because it can very quickly become like a black hole and suck me in. If I allow that to happen, I become unable to care for anyone, including myself.
Last night I went to bed feeling crushed and demoralized. I woke up this morning feeling worse. I was very angry and resentful. That’s something I’m not proud of.
The last thing I wanted was to allow my distress to influence any of the interactions I had with my wife and kids. I got up early, went to the park and I was walking by 7:30 AM. I was definitely not in a good place because my pace was much faster than normal and it hurt for the first two miles. I didn’t realize or notice the pain until my head started to clear up.
By the time I was done, I was emotionally in a better place.
If I’m not in a good place, I can’t be what everyone needs me to be. Truthfully, on my best day, I can’t be what everyone needs me to be but I get closer when I’m in a better place.
Trying to manage the unique and demanding needs of four people is not easy. I’m only one person but that doesn’t really matter because their needs still need met.
Don’t feel bad, you have emotions and needs too, we all do! You wouldn’t be much of a human if you didn’t have feelings and you wouldn’t be much of a dad or husband if you only focused on your own needs all the time finding a balance is tough, hell I find it tough because I’m a single dad with a son with autism..just one…so the job you do with three is amazing!
Like you I have bad days too, depression and anxiety can be a real life sucker at times but I’m lucky that my parents can support me and help me when I ask for it.
Thank you again for sharing your experience and again reminding me that I’m not the only parent of an autistic child who sometimes has bad days! Just try to focus on the good bits in your day, if you reflect at the end of the day you’ll probably find one or two good moments to be thankful for.
Thank you. My goal is to be relatable and help others learn from my mistakes or remember they aren’t alone.
Focusing on the positive is really important. Well said and thank you.. ☺
Actually sharing the bad feelings helps everyone to see you’re human. And I’m impressed that in spite of feeling that way, you put your family first. I’d probably have an outburst first and then apologize and do what’s right. But then again, as an HF autistic person I’ve had to learn NOT to yell and have (what I now know is) a meltdown.