Gavin had therapy tonight and one of the things that I mentioned to the therapist is that *I just don't have patience for Gavin anymore. *We discussed that briefly before something occurred to me.
Perhaps this is a philosophical question but it's something I think Special Needs parents should keep in mind as their kids get older and perhaps more challenging.
First of all, let's be crystal clear. I'm as far from perfect as any one person can be. I'm human and I have very human limits. That being said, the people who know me in real life, have been saying forever that I have the patience of a Saint, especially when it comes to Gavin.
In all fairness to myself, I did have a seemingly endless supply of patience. Lately however, I just don't feel like I have the same level of patience for Gavin’s behaviors that I used to have.
This is quite upsetting for me because none of Gavin's behaviors are his fault. Sure, he makes decisions that create problems but his decision making ability is severely impaired.
When I get frustrated, especially when I'm openly frustrated with Gavin, I feel a tremendous sense of regret because I don't want to be that way.
While we were talking about this today at therapy, something occurred to me and I posed the following question to his therapist.
Do I not have patience for Gavin anymore or does Gavin now require more patience than I have ever had?
That's actually a really interesting question and I hadn't thought about it before.
I used to be so patient with Gavin as he was growing up. I almost never lost my cool and I was always the voice of reason. Anymore, Gavin's behaviors drive me crazy and while I'm patient with him still, perhaps even more than most others could be, I fall short.
Believe me, I beat myself up for this constantly and I know other parents in similar situations do also.
It occurred to me today was that maybe it's not that I no longer have patience for Gavin. Maybe, as Gavin is getting older and his challenges are getting more significant, he's simply requiring more patience than I have.
In the past, the demand on my patience wasn't as significant as it is today.
Maybe I have the same amount of patience I have always had. The difference is that he's requiring more as he gets older and his behaviors become more challenging.
The reason it's important to bring this to your attention is because as special needs parents, we're already so hard on ourselves as it is. We feel so much guilt for so many things that we often have zero control over and this may help you to look at things a little differently.
It's not about blame. It's about perspective. I always feel like I'm failing because I just don't have the patience I once did. Looking at things from this perspective, helps me to cut myself a little slack.
The reality is, while Gavin's violent behaviors that had us looking at residential placement are largely non-existent anymore, in many ways, he's more challenging than he ever has been. It's not his fault but as his challenges become more difficult to manage, maybe I don't have to beat myself up as much for not being able to meet this increase in behavioral challenge with the same level of patience or grace I have in the past.
Think of it like this.
When your child was little, you picked them up and carried them around with ease. As they got older, you carried them less and less until one day, they were simply too big to carry anymore.
Not being able to carry your child around doesn't mean you are weaker than you once were. It simply means they have grown too big to carry around.
Perspective is an amazingly powerful thing. How you choose to look at something can largely determine how it impacts you.
You could choose to beat yourself up, thinking you must be getting weaker because you can't pick your adult child up and carry them around like you did when they were younger. You could also choose to look at the same situation and realize that you aren't weaker at all, your child has simply grown to big to carry.
Does that make sense?
I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts on this.
Can anyone relate?
