This was the first time that Lizze has been away since our separation. That ended over a year ago, and she’s been here ever since. I’m super excited that she’s getting to spend time with her Mom this weekend, because that’s really important.
To be honest, I’m a bit envious that she gets away. She misses us all but recognizes the need for a break. Good on her for that because that’s much easier said than done. It’s also vital for maintaining sanity, patience, and even physical/emotional health.
I’m wired a bit different.
When the kids go to their grandparents, I can mostly enjoy the time off. The problem I have is being away from the kids myself. I’m not able to simply leave the house and spend more than a few hours away from the kids. I get too anxious.
Lizze was the same way before Caregiver Burnout three years ago. That has taught her to focus more on herself and that’s a good thing.
I can focus on myself but not if focusing on myself takes me away from the kids for any length of time.
Maybe if my kids weren’t facing all the challenges they’re facing or if I hadn’t been a paramedic for so long, and saw all the horrible things that can happen. Either way, it leaves me with an unwillingness to go camping with my brothers or something to that effect.
I still focus on myself by walking or writing, but actual time away is not in the cards for me.
I know that seems weird, and even counter-productive because breaks are absolutely necessary. We’ve been through too much, especially with Gavin, for me to feel comfortable leaving for a weekend or something.
Am I the only parent with special needs kids that feel this way? I tend to think there are others out there who completely understand, and if you’re one of them, please leave a comment below and share your thoughts…
I hope you keep Disqus. I never knew if you read any of my comments with the other system.
Probably. There’s drawbacks to every commenting system, but Disqus is the most popular, and the most stable since their last update.. ☺
Thinking about it and I didn’t mean to come across so snarky… Sorry about that… ☺
I hope you don’t feel like this is piling on, but the other posters make an interesting point. If you are fixer by nature, then it’s easy to fall into a more pathological version of that — we all have to watch out that we don’t fall into the pathological versions of our best traits. It doesn’t mean it’s not a good trait — it definitely is — but someone who is a fixer will have the tendency to take too much on themselves and not delegate to willing others. And it’s something you can deal with before it totally consumes you. (By pathological, I merely mean that it negatively affects your life, not that is it a disease. So the goal would be to avoid falling into something that will cause you (and possibly they) to suffer more in the long term.)
You have a small village to help you; you should use and trust your village. You absolutely cannot raise 3 special needs kids without relying on other people. And you absolutely will go nuts if you can’t figure out a way to get away and regain some equilibrium. And unless you child is in the ICU — yes, I know whereof I speak — then there has to be SOME time that you can allow others to manage without disaster falling.
I think everyone here wants the best for you and sometimes, in some ways, an outsider can see something that is valuable….Not always, but maybe. It’s worth considering, anyway…
I know everyone is coming from a good place. ☺
Fixers need to know when they can and cannot fix something. That’s the hard part. Over the last decade we’ve been conditioned to be hypervigilant at all times. Any time we dropped our guard, bad things happened.
The above is what Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Pattie have told us many times. They say that we’re one of the only cases that they’ve seen where anything that can go does go wrong.
It’s hard to move out of that because historically, it’s not worked out.
You’re all right that Lizze and I need time away, both together and individually.. ☺
I hope you don’t feel like this is piling on, but the other posters make an interesting point. If you are fixer by nature, then it’s easy to fall into a more pathological version of that — we all have to watch out that we don’t fall into the pathological versions of our best traits. It doesn’t mean it’s not a good trait — it definitely is — but someone who is a fixer will have the tendency to take too much on themselves and not delegate to willing others. And it’s something you can deal with before it totally consumes you. (By pathological, I merely mean that it negatively affects your life, not that is it a disease. So the goal would be to avoid falling into something that will cause you (and possibly they) to suffer more in the long term.)
You have a small village to help you; you should use and trust your village. You absolutely cannot raise 3 special needs kids without relying on other people. And you absolutely will go nuts if you can’t figure out a way to get away and regain some equilibrium. And unless you child is in the ICU — yes, I know whereof I speak — then there has to be SOME time that you can allow others to manage without disaster falling.
I think everyone here wants the best for you and sometimes, in some ways, an outsider can see something that is valuable….Not always, but maybe. It’s worth considering, anyway…
I know everyone is coming from a good place. ☺
Fixers need to know when they can and cannot fix something. That’s the hard part. Over the last decade we’ve been conditioned to be hypervigilant at all times. Any time we dropped our guard, bad things happened.
The above is what Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Pattie have told us many times. They say that we’re one of the only cases that they’ve seen where anything that can go does go wrong.
It’s hard to move out of that because historically, it’s not worked out.
You’re all right that Lizze and I need time away, both together and individually.. ☺
I hope you don’t feel like this is piling on, but the other posters make an interesting point. If you are fixer by nature, then it’s easy to fall into a more pathological version of that — we all have to watch out that we don’t fall into the pathological versions of our best traits. It doesn’t mean it’s not a good trait — it definitely is — but someone who is a fixer will have the tendency to take too much on themselves and not delegate to willing others. And it’s something you can deal with before it totally consumes you. (By pathological, I merely mean that it negatively affects your life, not that is it a disease. So the goal would be to avoid falling into something that will cause you (and possibly they) to suffer more in the long term.)
You have a small village to help you; you should use and trust your village. You absolutely cannot raise 3 special needs kids without relying on other people. And you absolutely will go nuts if you can’t figure out a way to get away and regain some equilibrium. And unless you child is in the ICU — yes, I know whereof I speak — then there has to be SOME time that you can allow others to manage without disaster falling.
I think everyone here wants the best for you and sometimes, in some ways, an outsider can see something that is valuable….Not always, but maybe. It’s worth considering, anyway…
I know everyone is coming from a good place. ☺
Fixers need to know when they can and cannot fix something. That’s the hard part. Over the last decade we’ve been conditioned to be hypervigilant at all times. Any time we dropped our guard, bad things happened.
The above is what Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Pattie have told us many times. They say that we’re one of the only cases that they’ve seen where anything that can go does go wrong.
It’s hard to move out of that because historically, it’s not worked out.
You’re all right that Lizze and I need time away, both together and individually.. ☺
I hope you don’t feel like this is piling on, but the other posters make an interesting point. If you are fixer by nature, then it’s easy to fall into a more pathological version of that — we all have to watch out that we don’t fall into the pathological versions of our best traits. It doesn’t mean it’s not a good trait — it definitely is — but someone who is a fixer will have the tendency to take too much on themselves and not delegate to willing others. And it’s something you can deal with before it totally consumes you. (By pathological, I merely mean that it negatively affects your life, not that is it a disease. So the goal would be to avoid falling into something that will cause you (and possibly they) to suffer more in the long term.)
You have a small village to help you; you should use and trust your village. You absolutely cannot raise 3 special needs kids without relying on other people. And you absolutely will go nuts if you can’t figure out a way to get away and regain some equilibrium. And unless you child is in the ICU — yes, I know whereof I speak — then there has to be SOME time that you can allow others to manage without disaster falling.
I think everyone here wants the best for you and sometimes, in some ways, an outsider can see something that is valuable….Not always, but maybe. It’s worth considering, anyway…
I know everyone is coming from a good place. ☺
Fixers need to know when they can and cannot fix something. That’s the hard part. Over the last decade we’ve been conditioned to be hypervigilant at all times. Any time we dropped our guard, bad things happened.
The above is what Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Pattie have told us many times. They say that we’re one of the only cases that they’ve seen where anything that can go does go wrong.
It’s hard to move out of that because historically, it’s not worked out.
You’re all right that Lizze and I need time away, both together and individually.. ☺
I generally agree with Kim’s sentiments. I understand that you are parenting under certain exceptional circumstances, but your anxiety about leaving the kids is not healthy or rational. It might be a good idea to work on this issue, for your own benefit as well as for your family.
And don’t hide behind your experiences as a paramedic or as a special needs parent as an excuse for this.
You are in a tremendously fortunate position in your life to have family members who seem ready willing and able to give you very frequent breaks and more than ample opportunity to do something like go camping with your brothers. Or go grab a beer with a friend. Go out there and do it- you’ll be a better person for it!
And I didn’t get to comment on it earlier but great job setting up a play date for your kids. Keep that momentum going – hopefully there will be more in the future – such a beneficial thing for your kids.
Jimmy,
I’m not sure if you’ve seen the things that I have, or anything like them. I assure you, I’m not hiding behind any of my experiences. While I don’t ever talk about it publicly, I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago. I’ve seen too many kids die, some in truly horrible ways.
It sorta changes a person to their core, and I’m no exception.
We are fortunate to have family that have been amazing in regards to support. My parents tend to be the ones to babysit when we have appointments, and Lizze’s parents take the boys overnight, roughly every other weekend. Many people don’t even get that.
I do take care of myself as best I can. Neither Lizze or I really have any friends in real life that are local anyways. We occasionally get out together, but more often it’s with all the kids.
My fear of leaving the kids stems mostly from Gavin’s health. He’s been relatively stable in recent times, but some of his issues can hit at any time and without any notice. I’ve been there every time to catch these issues and get him to the hospital.
Lizze can do well with the boys for shorter periods of time, and aside from myself, she’s the only one that knows what to look for, and how to react.
What happens if I’m away, something happens and it isn’t caught in time? I understand that sounds almost paranoid but paranoia is worrying about something for no reason. I have a decade worth of reasons to worry.
As for Kim’s mention about counseling, the reason I haven’t been there recently is related to insurance, not an unwillingness to go.
As for the play date, I’m hoping to do this more often. I’m not sure how well it worked out for the other family, cause we haven’t connected since. I totally agree it’s a good thing…. ☺
I understand your explanation as to your perspective. I don’t care to go down the road of “if you’ve seen what I’ve seen” , but I maintain that this is something you might want to work on. I realize this is a personal and sensitive subject and I appreciate your post and response to my comment.
And as for play dates, if it can’t work out with that same family for whatever reason keep at it and try to explore other options with other kids. That indoor playground seems to be your go-to locale – see if anyone else might be interested in meeting you over there the next time you’re heading that way…
I was simply trying to explain what’s going on in my head. I wasn’t trying to compare paper cuts. That said, fire fighters and paramedics see things on daily basis that can never be unseen. It absolutely changes a person and said persons outlook on life.
I didn’t say I was something I wouldn’t work on but please keep in mind that I know myself better than anyone else. I know my motivation and reasoning behind my actions.
I know that what I’ve experienced has changed me to my core. Lizze will tell that because she’s seen first hand how those experiences have changed me.
I truly appreciate where you’re coming from, and your concerns.
All of what you just wrote is why you should still see a therapist who is not Dr. Pattie. You were going at one point and then gave it up for some reason. Worrying about your kids when you’re not with them is normal, but having anxiety about it to the point where you can’t leave the house for a night is not. I get that you saw bad things when you were a paramedic and I get that your kids have specific needs and challenges, but you should be able to leave the house overnight if you want to. The fact that you can’t speaks more to your need to be in control of your home (perfectly understandable) and your need to be needed. I honestly think that part of you is scared that they will do fine without you for a night or two. You often mention that you are a fixer, but you also have to be needed to feel complete. I don’t know if that has always been the case or if it started after you met Lizze and Gavin, but that’s something that it might be healthy for you to address. Sorry for the bluntness of this reply, but I’m on limited time. My butcher has babybacks and tenderloin on special so I have to get out of here to go meat shopping. ; )
I disagree. You’re obviously entitled to your opinion but I’m not afraid of them being okay. I’ve always been a fixer or someone who wants to help others. I’m needed plenty, but any fears I have are based on personal experience.
In our life, especially when it comes to Gavin, whatever could go wrong, did go wrong. Complacency isn’t something we’ve ever been able to afford.
Hope your meat shopping went well.. ☺
I don’t think you should be complacent with Gavin’s health- it’s been proven over the years that it can be volatile at best. But if you can leave the boys with Lizze’s mom overnight, where is the huge difference between sending them there and you being at your house, or sending them there and you being somewhere else? You can address any problems that might pop up as long as you can be reached by phone. Or, Lizze could stay at her parent’s house with the boys while you go camping or just out for an evening with your brothers.
That’s certainly something to consider.. ☺
I hope you don’t feel like this is piling on, but the other posters make an interesting point. If you are fixer by nature, then it’s easy to fall into a more pathological version of that — we all have to watch out that we don’t fall into the pathological versions of our best traits. It doesn’t mean it’s not a good trait — it definitely is — but someone who is a fixer will have the tendency to take too much on themselves and not delegate to willing others. And it’s something you can deal with before it totally consumes you. (By pathological, I merely mean that it negatively affects your life, not that is it a disease. So the goal would be to avoid falling into something that will cause you (and possibly they) to suffer more in the long term.)
You have a small village to help you; you should use and trust your village. You absolutely cannot raise 3 special needs kids without relying on other people. And you absolutely will go nuts if you can’t figure out a way to get away and regain some equilibrium. And unless you child is in the ICU — yes, I know whereof I speak — then there has to be SOME time that you can allow others to manage without disaster falling.
I think everyone here wants the best for you and sometimes, in some ways, an outsider can see something that is valuable….Not always, but maybe. It’s worth considering, anyway…
I know everyone is coming from a good place. ☺
Fixers need to know when they can and cannot fix something. That’s the hard part. Over the last decade we’ve been conditioned to be hypervigilant at all times. Any time we dropped our guard, bad things happened.
The above is what Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Pattie have told us many times. They say that we’re one of the only cases that they’ve seen where anything that can go does go wrong.
It’s hard to move out of that because historically, it’s not worked out.
You’re all right that Lizze and I need time away, both together and individually.. ☺
I hope you don’t feel like this is piling on, but the other posters make an interesting point. If you are fixer by nature, then it’s easy to fall into a more pathological version of that — we all have to watch out that we don’t fall into the pathological versions of our best traits. It doesn’t mean it’s not a good trait — it definitely is — but someone who is a fixer will have the tendency to take too much on themselves and not delegate to willing others. And it’s something you can deal with before it totally consumes you. (By pathological, I merely mean that it negatively affects your life, not that is it a disease. So the goal would be to avoid falling into something that will cause you (and possibly they) to suffer more in the long term.)
You have a small village to help you; you should use and trust your village. You absolutely cannot raise 3 special needs kids without relying on other people. And you absolutely will go nuts if you can’t figure out a way to get away and regain some equilibrium. And unless you child is in the ICU — yes, I know whereof I speak — then there has to be SOME time that you can allow others to manage without disaster falling.
I think everyone here wants the best for you and sometimes, in some ways, an outsider can see something that is valuable….Not always, but maybe. It’s worth considering, anyway…
I know everyone is coming from a good place. ☺
Fixers need to know when they can and cannot fix something. That’s the hard part. Over the last decade we’ve been conditioned to be hypervigilant at all times. Any time we dropped our guard, bad things happened.
The above is what Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Pattie have told us many times. They say that we’re one of the only cases that they’ve seen where anything that can go does go wrong.
It’s hard to move out of that because historically, it’s not worked out.
You’re all right that Lizze and I need time away, both together and individually.. ☺
I hope you don’t feel like this is piling on, but the other posters make an interesting point. If you are fixer by nature, then it’s easy to fall into a more pathological version of that — we all have to watch out that we don’t fall into the pathological versions of our best traits. It doesn’t mean it’s not a good trait — it definitely is — but someone who is a fixer will have the tendency to take too much on themselves and not delegate to willing others. And it’s something you can deal with before it totally consumes you. (By pathological, I merely mean that it negatively affects your life, not that is it a disease. So the goal would be to avoid falling into something that will cause you (and possibly they) to suffer more in the long term.)
You have a small village to help you; you should use and trust your village. You absolutely cannot raise 3 special needs kids without relying on other people. And you absolutely will go nuts if you can’t figure out a way to get away and regain some equilibrium. And unless you child is in the ICU — yes, I know whereof I speak — then there has to be SOME time that you can allow others to manage without disaster falling.
I think everyone here wants the best for you and sometimes, in some ways, an outsider can see something that is valuable….Not always, but maybe. It’s worth considering, anyway…
I know everyone is coming from a good place. ☺
Fixers need to know when they can and cannot fix something. That’s the hard part. Over the last decade we’ve been conditioned to be hypervigilant at all times. Any time we dropped our guard, bad things happened.
The above is what Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Pattie have told us many times. They say that we’re one of the only cases that they’ve seen where anything that can go does go wrong.
It’s hard to move out of that because historically, it’s not worked out.
You’re all right that Lizze and I need time away, both together and individually.. ☺
I hope you don’t feel like this is piling on, but the other posters make an interesting point. If you are fixer by nature, then it’s easy to fall into a more pathological version of that — we all have to watch out that we don’t fall into the pathological versions of our best traits. It doesn’t mean it’s not a good trait — it definitely is — but someone who is a fixer will have the tendency to take too much on themselves and not delegate to willing others. And it’s something you can deal with before it totally consumes you. (By pathological, I merely mean that it negatively affects your life, not that is it a disease. So the goal would be to avoid falling into something that will cause you (and possibly they) to suffer more in the long term.)
You have a small village to help you; you should use and trust your village. You absolutely cannot raise 3 special needs kids without relying on other people. And you absolutely will go nuts if you can’t figure out a way to get away and regain some equilibrium. And unless you child is in the ICU — yes, I know whereof I speak — then there has to be SOME time that you can allow others to manage without disaster falling.
I think everyone here wants the best for you and sometimes, in some ways, an outsider can see something that is valuable….Not always, but maybe. It’s worth considering, anyway…
I know everyone is coming from a good place. ☺
Fixers need to know when they can and cannot fix something. That’s the hard part. Over the last decade we’ve been conditioned to be hypervigilant at all times. Any time we dropped our guard, bad things happened.
The above is what Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Pattie have told us many times. They say that we’re one of the only cases that they’ve seen where anything that can go does go wrong.
It’s hard to move out of that because historically, it’s not worked out.
You’re all right that Lizze and I need time away, both together and individually.. ☺
I hope you keep Disqus. I never knew if you read any of my comments with the other system.
Probably. There’s drawbacks to every commenting system, but Disqus is the most popular, and the most stable since their last update.. ☺
Thinking about it and I didn’t mean to come across so snarky… Sorry about that… ☺
I generally agree with Kim’s sentiments. I understand that you are parenting under certain exceptional circumstances, but your anxiety about leaving the kids is not healthy or rational. It might be a good idea to work on this issue, for your own benefit as well as for your family.
And don’t hide behind your experiences as a paramedic or as a special needs parent as an excuse for this.
You are in a tremendously fortunate position in your life to have family members who seem ready willing and able to give you very frequent breaks and more than ample opportunity to do something like go camping with your brothers. Or go grab a beer with a friend. Go out there and do it- you’ll be a better person for it!
And I didn’t get to comment on it earlier but great job setting up a play date for your kids. Keep that momentum going – hopefully there will be more in the future – such a beneficial thing for your kids.
Jimmy,
I’m not sure if you’ve seen the things that I have, or anything like them. I assure you, I’m not hiding behind any of my experiences. While I don’t ever talk about it publicly, I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago. I’ve seen too many kids die, some in truly horrible ways.
It sorta changes a person to their core, and I’m no exception.
We are fortunate to have family that have been amazing in regards to support. My parents tend to be the ones to babysit when we have appointments, and Lizze’s parents take the boys overnight, roughly every other weekend. Many people don’t even get that.
I do take care of myself as best I can. Neither Lizze or I really have any friends in real life that are local anyways. We occasionally get out together, but more often it’s with all the kids.
My fear of leaving the kids stems mostly from Gavin’s health. He’s been relatively stable in recent times, but some of his issues can hit at any time and without any notice. I’ve been there every time to catch these issues and get him to the hospital.
Lizze can do well with the boys for shorter periods of time, and aside from myself, she’s the only one that knows what to look for, and how to react.
What happens if I’m away, something happens and it isn’t caught in time? I understand that sounds almost paranoid but paranoia is worrying about something for no reason. I have a decade worth of reasons to worry.
As for Kim’s mention about counseling, the reason I haven’t been there recently is related to insurance, not an unwillingness to go.
As for the play date, I’m hoping to do this more often. I’m not sure how well it worked out for the other family, cause we haven’t connected since. I totally agree it’s a good thing…. ☺
I understand your explanation as to your perspective. I don’t care to go down the road of “if you’ve seen what I’ve seen” , but I maintain that this is something you might want to work on. I realize this is a personal and sensitive subject and I appreciate your post and response to my comment.
And as for play dates, if it can’t work out with that same family for whatever reason keep at it and try to explore other options with other kids. That indoor playground seems to be your go-to locale – see if anyone else might be interested in meeting you over there the next time you’re heading that way…
I was simply trying to explain what’s going on in my head. I wasn’t trying to compare paper cuts. That said, fire fighters and paramedics see things on daily basis that can never be unseen. It absolutely changes a person and said persons outlook on life.
I didn’t say I was something I wouldn’t work on but please keep in mind that I know myself better than anyone else. I know my motivation and reasoning behind my actions.
I know that what I’ve experienced has changed me to my core. Lizze will tell that because she’s seen first hand how those experiences have changed me.
I truly appreciate where you’re coming from, and your concerns.
All of what you just wrote is why you should still see a therapist who is not Dr. Pattie. You were going at one point and then gave it up for some reason. Worrying about your kids when you’re not with them is normal, but having anxiety about it to the point where you can’t leave the house for a night is not. I get that you saw bad things when you were a paramedic and I get that your kids have specific needs and challenges, but you should be able to leave the house overnight if you want to. The fact that you can’t speaks more to your need to be in control of your home (perfectly understandable) and your need to be needed. I honestly think that part of you is scared that they will do fine without you for a night or two. You often mention that you are a fixer, but you also have to be needed to feel complete. I don’t know if that has always been the case or if it started after you met Lizze and Gavin, but that’s something that it might be healthy for you to address. Sorry for the bluntness of this reply, but I’m on limited time. My butcher has babybacks and tenderloin on special so I have to get out of here to go meat shopping. ; )
I disagree. You’re obviously entitled to your opinion but I’m not afraid of them being okay. I’ve always been a fixer or someone who wants to help others. I’m needed plenty, but any fears I have are based on personal experience.
In our life, especially when it comes to Gavin, whatever could go wrong, did go wrong. Complacency isn’t something we’ve ever been able to afford.
Hope your meat shopping went well.. ☺
I don’t think you should be complacent with Gavin’s health- it’s been proven over the years that it can be volatile at best. But if you can leave the boys with Lizze’s mom overnight, where is the huge difference between sending them there and you being at your house, or sending them there and you being somewhere else? You can address any problems that might pop up as long as you can be reached by phone. Or, Lizze could stay at her parent’s house with the boys while you go camping or just out for an evening with your brothers.
That’s certainly something to consider.. ☺