This is going to be a super honest post. I've not written one like this in awhile because I got tired of judgemental and ridicule from people who don't *get it. *
One of my regular readers has been encouraging me to return to some of my more brutally honest writings because it provides further insight, and it may help others in similar circumstance.
With that in mind, here we go.
My anxiety and stress level have been extremely high recently. Truthfully, they're always high. I'm raising three special needs kids and stress goes hand in hand.
Lately however, things have been getting pretty bad, and rather than write about it, I keep it bottled up inside. In the past, I wouldn't have thought twice about sharing but ever since Lizze and I went through our separation, my writing has changed.
In the past, I wouldn't have thought twice about sharing how worried I am about surviving the next couple of weeks.
This is a temporary situation, resulting from a series of unexpected events.
I was still trying to figure things out, after I lost a good chunk of my income. It may not be much to some people but a $500.00 a month loss, hits us really hard. While this wasn't something I'd planned on and life would be more challenging, it wasn't the end of the world.
If it was simply the income loss, we'd manage. I already had two new writing jobs, that will make a huge difference for us, but the benefits are still a month or so away.
The problem is that these things never happen in isolation. Shortly after the income loss, our food benefits were reduced to less than half of what we need per week. As a result, I've had to redirect a large percentage of our resources into groceries, and that was something I hadn't planned on doing yet.
Yesterday, I faced a choice of having Emmett struggle with glasses that don't meet his needs, or pay out of pocket and ensure he will be able to see, as well as be comfortable.
I had not planned on doing that but I couldn't put Emmett though what he would go through with inadequate glasses. He struggles enough and I couldn't add to it.
That's hit pretty hard and basically left us with nothing until the first week of May. Once we get there however, things should be back on track and I should be generating income from these new writing jobs.
All I need to do is make it about two weeks, but I'm not sure how I'm going to pull that off.
Groceries are my main focus right now and I'm feeling the pressure because Emmett has pretty much stopped eating most of the foods he was eating, because nothing tastes right for him anymore. Lizze and I are struggling to get him to eat anything at this point,
I got him to eat Little Caesars pizza this afternoon but that's about it.
To say that I'm simply overwhelmed, would be like saying the Grand Canyon is just a ditch. I'm so overwhelmed right now, sleep is really difficult, even when the boys are actually sleeping.
With my stress level this high, things like Gavin's incessant need to talk, has an even greater impact than it normally would.
Worrying about new medical concerns with Emmett and Elliott, is even more consuming because my defenses are worn away and more things are getting to me.
I'm having a hard time writing because there's too much going on in my head lately. I need to be able to write because I have two articles due by Wednesday, April 19th. There's no wiggle room in this deadline either.
I'm so afraid of letting my family down because our situation is sometimes too difficult for me to manage. My options are very limited and working outside of the home is not a possibility.
Regardless of how preoccupied I am right now, I'm trying to remain as positive as I can because I know this is temporary. Until we actually cross into the first week of May however, things are going to be very difficult for us.
I hope if any of you are able to relate to this, you can find comfort in knowing that you're not alone. This is a tough life and raising special needs kids is not easy.
Here's to a better tomorrow...
