Let me begin by saying that depression is a bitch. It has its fingers in every aspect of my life and I’m not afraid to admit that there are many times where it gets the better of me.
I’ve been at war with depression since I was a teenager.
The very first time I was in love, it was with someone who was being violated by someone she should have been able to trust and it had been going on since she was a child.
When I found out, I made sure that it stopped and then my life became dedicated to helping her through the fallout.
That’s a lot for a 16 year old me to deal with and it set in motion an emotional tailspin that led to me almost failing out of college.
It was then that I first realized that I had been at war with depression for some time and needed to get help.
Fast forward a decade or two and I find myself going through a very painful divorce, raising 3 very beautiful but challenging special needs kids on my own and struggling to do so.
If I were to design the perfect situation for depression to wage war on my life, I couldn’t have done better than the situation I’ve found myself in for over a year now.
My family was/is the most important thing in my life.
Losing my best friend of almost 15 years, has been the most painful experience of my entire life or so I thought.
I soon learned that watching my emotionally fragile kids, struggle to put their lives back together after their Mother walked out….well, there aren’t words to describe just how painful that is for me.
Depression is like a fog. It can obscure the truth and seriously impacts my outlook.
I’m being treated and I take my meds but meds and counseling can only do so much when I’m dealing with the things I’m dealing with, day in and day out.
There are good days and there are bad days. If you’re a regular here, you can probably tell that by my writing.
On the bad days, of which I’ve been having a few of lately, the world seems out to get me.
On the bad days, I really struggle to even take care of myself.
On the bad days, I can’t sleep and all I want to do is cry because I feel so completely alone but I physically can’t.. I’m left with that feeling, similar to the kind one gets when they need to sneeze but it just won’t come out.
I’m under so much pressure and the person I took on all this responsibility with, has given up all ownership and left me to my own devices.
It’s crushing…
The truth is that I’m setup to fail. Nothing I can ever do will be enough and while that will never stop me from trying, it’s a battle that I will always lose.
The very nature of Autism and my oldest sons fragile health, precludes me from ever being able to meet all their needs.
Viewing all this through the eyes or fog of depression, my sense of shame and guilt is accentuated.
I beat myself up for falling behind on the bills, losing utilities or not being able to get the kids all the things they need.
The reality is that raising one child with special needs, in a two parent home is difficult to say the least. Trying like Hell to raise three children with special needs on my own, can seem impossible at times.
Depression helps to ensure that I’m all too keenly aware of my shortcomings and tries quite diligently to make me forget or overlook all the things that I do right.
It’s 3am and I’m writing this because I’m hoping that by getting all this out, I’ll finally be able to fall asleep.
I’m consumed with worry because my paychecks aren’t enough and while I’m working hard to improve this situation, my hands are tied in too many ways to count.
It’s really frustrating because I know that while things are bad, they very likely aren’t as bad as they may seem to me because I’m depressed.
I know that but it doesn’t change anything, including how I feel.
Part of the reason I’m here right now is because the boys have been sick all week and I haven’t had a break. They’re miserable and I’m exhausted. I don’t get to tag anyone else in and take a break, so I’m running myself into the ground and now I’m getting sick as a result.
It doesn’t help that while all this is going on, I’m seeing my wife publicly celebrate having moved on with her life before we’re even divorced. I’ve known that for a very long time because she moved on long ago but it was one of those things that I wouldn’t talk about publicly..
It’s humiliating in a way but it is what it is.
Anyway, as you can probably tell from the tone of this post, I’m currently engaged in a battle with depression that I don’t seem to be winning at the moment.
I go to the doctors next week and maybe I’ll discuss medication adjustments but again, medication can only do so much, especially considering that I can’t take anything that could interfere with my ability to care for my kids.
This battle will eventually end and win or lose, it’s just one battle. There are going to be plenty of battles that will end in victory for me.. ☺
Once I can finally get some quality rest, I’ll be able to gain some ground.
Until then, this is the ugly, raw and unpleasant truth of my life. This is what my life is like when depression has the upper hand.
During these difficult times, I force myself to focus on the most important things that need to happen each day and everything else hits the back burner. There’s no other choice, especially since I’m on my own.
It’s tough to understand when you’re on the outside looking in but I can’t afford to worry too much about what others think.
I need to keep on keeping on… ☺
Before I end this, I want to say a few things to my readers directly. .
If you are struggling with depression, please make sure you get the help you both need and deserve. I know it’s not easy to do but you need to talk to someone you trust, someone who’ll listen.
Never be ashamed to seek help for depression. It’s not a weakness and you don’t need to suffer in silence.
It’s my sincerest hope that by sharing my story, you realize that you aren’t alone and depression is something that’s okay to talk about and get help for..
This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 5. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉
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This was the most refreshing post I have ever read of yours. It was real, raw, and honest! I know you try to be careful what you write about your divorce because you worry about your boys someday reading it. Well you know what, the truths a bitch! I feel like you should share more and have a true outlet to vent! If the boys later in life read something there mother has done that they do not like or that hurts them that they did that to them or you, well that’s her personal truth to own not yours. I feel like with everything you go thru in a personal basis being able to vent here in s respectable way is a positive thing. There is no reason to call her names or be vulgar but saying the truth about what is actually happening is something you deserve to be able to do. People should be able to see and hear what it is that exactly has you so upset instead of just feeling like you have to be vague. Again, like I said you don’t have to do it in a vulgar way but this is your journey you and your boys are on and you didn’t choose for it to be this way, she did. That is her personal truth that she has to own. Walking away from a man who worshipped her and 3 little boys who needed her more than anything in this life. She knew what this was going to do to them, how hard it would be on them, and how fragile they are. Yet she chose to do it anyway. That’s not your fault or the boys fault and if she doesn’t like something you write about the details of the things she has been up to, to bad, she chose the path. Also like I said, the boys will know the truth eventually and I feel with all the help and love you are giving them they will understand that this page was your journey and the things you wrote about the details of the choices your wife made were a part of your journey and an outlet you needed. I don’t think in any way, shape, or form, they will fault you for that. I am sorry depression has a hold on you right now, it actually has a hold on me as well right now. It’s a daily struggle and a tough battle to beat. Baby steps are all you can we can expect from ourselves each day. As far as being able to provide your boys with material things, even utilities, I can promise you that when they look back on their childhood the memories they will have is how much their dad loved them, how he was always there no matter how big or small of a problem they had, and that their dad spent everyday of his life trying to make theirs better, even at his own expense. Kids remember how they felt in their memories not what material things they had. So please, I ask you keep being as real as you were in this post tonight. Use this as an outlet to praise your kids, share thier hardships and victories, but also use it as a way to just put the brutal honest truth out there. The outlet itself will probably help your depression more than you know. Having to tip toe around what you say about what your soon to be ex wife is really out there doing is no way to live. She gave up her right to your and the boys protection when she walked out of your lives and chose to not actively participate in theirs!
It sounds as if you are physically sick and sleep deprived. Not a good set of circumstances under which to assess your life. So go easy on yourself, don’t make any big decisions, and don’t assume that your conclusions at this moment are valid. One of the hardest things about depression is mood-dependent memory: you tend to remember things that are also tinged with sadness, or failure or shame. All your memories of when you succeeded, when you made a positive difference, when you were happy — all those are suppressed.
So hang in there for a few more days. You are a stalwart of your family, and if you can drag yourself through to a better place when you are all well, that will be something to be proud of.
p.s. Given what you said about your high school romance and what you have said about your marriage, you might want to consider whether you are a magnet for damaged women (and they for you?). From the outside, it is clear that you are lucky to be out of your marriage and when you express frustration at your ex-wife moving on, everyone else is dumb-founded. You very admirably stuck with your marriage in accordance with your vows and your conscience, but man, you are lucky to be out.
I couldn’t agree much more than with @dotdash. I think 1) you’re being WAY too hard on yourself. You are doing as good as anyone could expect in hard circumstances I can’t even fathom. Turn it around and congratulate yourself on the good: safe emotional place for your boys, your 24/7 attentiveness and such love given. Those are big things. The minutiae of bills and small things affect everyone so with your added full time caretaker burden, it’s magnified for you. One day at a time. But definitely discuss with your doctor because I can even extrapolate from your writing that you are depressed and that could spiral.
2) I also agree with dotdash about the relationship thing. You are a helper. You helped your first GF, became a helper to trauma victims as an EMS specialist, then began the 15 year relationship with Lizze that began (according to old blog posts) with you helping her in her custody battles and visitation with the abusive man who is Gavin’s bio Dad. That’s a lot of giving. Through all the old Lost and Tired blog you were like Superman trying and there was that invisible barrier (Lizze in my opinion) holding you back. The time spent chasing medical phantoms, you could have established more business wise but every ounce of your time was used up by the needs of others. Now, she’s done it again, (taken zero responsibility) but isn’t even a physical presence to let you run errands without the boys. From the outside looking in, you have a pure heart and such altruism but you’ve got to have some time or something for yourself.
Remember what seems so bleak at 3am may not seem as dire in the morning light. I wish you all speedy recoveries from your illnesses, as well. It WILL get better. Use that therapist and figure a plan to get your life back. Sending positivity and light.
Thanks Alyssa 🙂
You’re right dot. It’s really hard to separate what I thought I had vs what I actually had. I’m not sure if anything in the last 15 years was real. That’s tough to reconcile. While I am happier on my own, I feel very much alone and miss having that connection with someone else. You’re also right. I’m a fixer and Dr. Pattie tells me that all the time.
Dotdash is right.
Also the paragraph of “the truth is that I’m setup to fail. Nothing I can ever do will be enough & while that will never stop me from trying it’s a battle that I will always lose.” Describes my life perfectly. I will be 42 in Dec & I have nothing to show for my life & nothing to be proud of. I am a complete failure. No one is proud of me. I need to try new meds or something. But in the eyes of the court it makes you more “mental” so I lose more & never “win” anything.
Rob, you aren’t alone & everything you typed was something I could have typed myself. Depression, anxiety sucks & can get “managed” but never goes away.
Sorry to bring you down even further Rob but unfortunately they’re are too many of us suffering in this sad world.
This was the most refreshing post I have ever read of yours. It was real, raw, and honest! I know you try to be careful what you write about your divorce because you worry about your boys someday reading it. Well you know what, the truths a bitch! I feel like you should share more and have a true outlet to vent! If the boys later in life read something there mother has done that they do not like or that hurts them that they did that to them or you, well that’s her personal truth to own not yours. I feel like with everything you go thru in a personal basis being able to vent here in s respectable way is a positive thing. There is no reason to call her names or be vulgar but saying the truth about what is actually happening is something you deserve to be able to do. People should be able to see and hear what it is that exactly has you so upset instead of just feeling like you have to be vague. Again, like I said you don’t have to do it in a vulgar way but this is your journey you and your boys are on and you didn’t choose for it to be this way, she did. That is her personal truth that she has to own. Walking away from a man who worshipped her and 3 little boys who needed her more than anything in this life. She knew what this was going to do to them, how hard it would be on them, and how fragile they are. Yet she chose to do it anyway. That’s not your fault or the boys fault and if she doesn’t like something you write about the details of the things she has been up to, to bad, she chose the path. Also like I said, the boys will know the truth eventually and I feel with all the help and love you are giving them they will understand that this page was your journey and the things you wrote about the details of the choices your wife made were a part of your journey and an outlet you needed. I don’t think in any way, shape, or form, they will fault you for that. I am sorry depression has a hold on you right now, it actually has a hold on me as well right now. It’s a daily struggle and a tough battle to beat. Baby steps are all you can we can expect from ourselves each day. As far as being able to provide your boys with material things, even utilities, I can promise you that when they look back on their childhood the memories they will have is how much their dad loved them, how he was always there no matter how big or small of a problem they had, and that their dad spent everyday of his life trying to make theirs better, even at his own expense. Kids remember how they felt in their memories not what material things they had. So please, I ask you keep being as real as you were in this post tonight. Use this as an outlet to praise your kids, share thier hardships and victories, but also use it as a way to just put the brutal honest truth out there. The outlet itself will probably help your depression more than you know. Having to tip toe around what you say about what your soon to be ex wife is really out there doing is no way to live. She gave up her right to your and the boys protection when she walked out of your lives and chose to not actively participate in theirs!
Dotdash is right.
Also the paragraph of “the truth is that I’m setup to fail. Nothing I can ever do will be enough & while that will never stop me from trying it’s a battle that I will always lose.” Describes my life perfectly. I will be 42 in Dec & I have nothing to show for my life & nothing to be proud of. I am a complete failure. No one is proud of me. I need to try new meds or something. But in the eyes of the court it makes you more “mental” so I lose more & never “win” anything.
Rob, you aren’t alone & everything you typed was something I could have typed myself. Depression, anxiety sucks & can get “managed” but never goes away.
Sorry to bring you down even further Rob but unfortunately they’re are too many of us suffering in this sad world.
It sounds as if you are physically sick and sleep deprived. Not a good set of circumstances under which to assess your life. So go easy on yourself, don’t make any big decisions, and don’t assume that your conclusions at this moment are valid. One of the hardest things about depression is mood-dependent memory: you tend to remember things that are also tinged with sadness, or failure or shame. All your memories of when you succeeded, when you made a positive difference, when you were happy — all those are suppressed.
So hang in there for a few more days. You are a stalwart of your family, and if you can drag yourself through to a better place when you are all well, that will be something to be proud of.
p.s. Given what you said about your high school romance and what you have said about your marriage, you might want to consider whether you are a magnet for damaged women (and they for you?). From the outside, it is clear that you are lucky to be out of your marriage and when you express frustration at your ex-wife moving on, everyone else is dumb-founded. You very admirably stuck with your marriage in accordance with your vows and your conscience, but man, you are lucky to be out.
I couldn’t agree much more than with @dotdash. I think 1) you’re being WAY too hard on yourself. You are doing as good as anyone could expect in hard circumstances I can’t even fathom. Turn it around and congratulate yourself on the good: safe emotional place for your boys, your 24/7 attentiveness and such love given. Those are big things. The minutiae of bills and small things affect everyone so with your added full time caretaker burden, it’s magnified for you. One day at a time. But definitely discuss with your doctor because I can even extrapolate from your writing that you are depressed and that could spiral.
2) I also agree with dotdash about the relationship thing. You are a helper. You helped your first GF, became a helper to trauma victims as an EMS specialist, then began the 15 year relationship with Lizze that began (according to old blog posts) with you helping her in her custody battles and visitation with the abusive man who is Gavin’s bio Dad. That’s a lot of giving. Through all the old Lost and Tired blog you were like Superman trying and there was that invisible barrier (Lizze in my opinion) holding you back. The time spent chasing medical phantoms, you could have established more business wise but every ounce of your time was used up by the needs of others. Now, she’s done it again, (taken zero responsibility) but isn’t even a physical presence to let you run errands without the boys. From the outside looking in, you have a pure heart and such altruism but you’ve got to have some time or something for yourself.
Remember what seems so bleak at 3am may not seem as dire in the morning light. I wish you all speedy recoveries from your illnesses, as well. It WILL get better. Use that therapist and figure a plan to get your life back. Sending positivity and light.
Thanks Alyssa 🙂
You’re right dot. It’s really hard to separate what I thought I had vs what I actually had. I’m not sure if anything in the last 15 years was real. That’s tough to reconcile. While I am happier on my own, I feel very much alone and miss having that connection with someone else. You’re also right. I’m a fixer and Dr. Pattie tells me that all the time.
This was the most refreshing post I have ever read of yours. It was real, raw, and honest! I know you try to be careful what you write about your divorce because you worry about your boys someday reading it. Well you know what, the truths a bitch! I feel like you should share more and have a true outlet to vent! If the boys later in life read something there mother has done that they do not like or that hurts them that they did that to them or you, well that’s her personal truth to own not yours. I feel like with everything you go thru in a personal basis being able to vent here in s respectable way is a positive thing. There is no reason to call her names or be vulgar but saying the truth about what is actually happening is something you deserve to be able to do. People should be able to see and hear what it is that exactly has you so upset instead of just feeling like you have to be vague. Again, like I said you don’t have to do it in a vulgar way but this is your journey you and your boys are on and you didn’t choose for it to be this way, she did. That is her personal truth that she has to own. Walking away from a man who worshipped her and 3 little boys who needed her more than anything in this life. She knew what this was going to do to them, how hard it would be on them, and how fragile they are. Yet she chose to do it anyway. That’s not your fault or the boys fault and if she doesn’t like something you write about the details of the things she has been up to, to bad, she chose the path. Also like I said, the boys will know the truth eventually and I feel with all the help and love you are giving them they will understand that this page was your journey and the things you wrote about the details of the choices your wife made were a part of your journey and an outlet you needed. I don’t think in any way, shape, or form, they will fault you for that. I am sorry depression has a hold on you right now, it actually has a hold on me as well right now. It’s a daily struggle and a tough battle to beat. Baby steps are all you can we can expect from ourselves each day. As far as being able to provide your boys with material things, even utilities, I can promise you that when they look back on their childhood the memories they will have is how much their dad loved them, how he was always there no matter how big or small of a problem they had, and that their dad spent everyday of his life trying to make theirs better, even at his own expense. Kids remember how they felt in their memories not what material things they had. So please, I ask you keep being as real as you were in this post tonight. Use this as an outlet to praise your kids, share thier hardships and victories, but also use it as a way to just put the brutal honest truth out there. The outlet itself will probably help your depression more than you know. Having to tip toe around what you say about what your soon to be ex wife is really out there doing is no way to live. She gave up her right to your and the boys protection when she walked out of your lives and chose to not actively participate in theirs!
Dotdash is right.
Also the paragraph of “the truth is that I’m setup to fail. Nothing I can ever do will be enough & while that will never stop me from trying it’s a battle that I will always lose.” Describes my life perfectly. I will be 42 in Dec & I have nothing to show for my life & nothing to be proud of. I am a complete failure. No one is proud of me. I need to try new meds or something. But in the eyes of the court it makes you more “mental” so I lose more & never “win” anything.
Rob, you aren’t alone & everything you typed was something I could have typed myself. Depression, anxiety sucks & can get “managed” but never goes away.
Sorry to bring you down even further Rob but unfortunately they’re are too many of us suffering in this sad world.
It sounds as if you are physically sick and sleep deprived. Not a good set of circumstances under which to assess your life. So go easy on yourself, don’t make any big decisions, and don’t assume that your conclusions at this moment are valid. One of the hardest things about depression is mood-dependent memory: you tend to remember things that are also tinged with sadness, or failure or shame. All your memories of when you succeeded, when you made a positive difference, when you were happy — all those are suppressed.
So hang in there for a few more days. You are a stalwart of your family, and if you can drag yourself through to a better place when you are all well, that will be something to be proud of.
p.s. Given what you said about your high school romance and what you have said about your marriage, you might want to consider whether you are a magnet for damaged women (and they for you?). From the outside, it is clear that you are lucky to be out of your marriage and when you express frustration at your ex-wife moving on, everyone else is dumb-founded. You very admirably stuck with your marriage in accordance with your vows and your conscience, but man, you are lucky to be out.
I couldn’t agree much more than with @dotdash. I think 1) you’re being WAY too hard on yourself. You are doing as good as anyone could expect in hard circumstances I can’t even fathom. Turn it around and congratulate yourself on the good: safe emotional place for your boys, your 24/7 attentiveness and such love given. Those are big things. The minutiae of bills and small things affect everyone so with your added full time caretaker burden, it’s magnified for you. One day at a time. But definitely discuss with your doctor because I can even extrapolate from your writing that you are depressed and that could spiral.
2) I also agree with dotdash about the relationship thing. You are a helper. You helped your first GF, became a helper to trauma victims as an EMS specialist, then began the 15 year relationship with Lizze that began (according to old blog posts) with you helping her in her custody battles and visitation with the abusive man who is Gavin’s bio Dad. That’s a lot of giving. Through all the old Lost and Tired blog you were like Superman trying and there was that invisible barrier (Lizze in my opinion) holding you back. The time spent chasing medical phantoms, you could have established more business wise but every ounce of your time was used up by the needs of others. Now, she’s done it again, (taken zero responsibility) but isn’t even a physical presence to let you run errands without the boys. From the outside looking in, you have a pure heart and such altruism but you’ve got to have some time or something for yourself.
Remember what seems so bleak at 3am may not seem as dire in the morning light. I wish you all speedy recoveries from your illnesses, as well. It WILL get better. Use that therapist and figure a plan to get your life back. Sending positivity and light.
Thanks Alyssa 🙂
You’re right dot. It’s really hard to separate what I thought I had vs what I actually had. I’m not sure if anything in the last 15 years was real. That’s tough to reconcile. While I am happier on my own, I feel very much alone and miss having that connection with someone else. You’re also right. I’m a fixer and Dr. Pattie tells me that all the time.