There comes a time when you have to face reality.  I think this happens to everyone at some point in their life.  Tonight, we are spending New Year’s Eve at my parents house.  As I was sitting down to eat dinner, something on the Christmas tree caught me eye.

It was an ornament from back in 2005.

What caught my soon to be, tear filled eyes, was the picture of Gavin inside the ornament. It was from when he was 5 years old and still had the light in his eyes. This is after he was diagnosed with Aspergers but well before everything else took over and the child we knew was gone.

With all the talking I’ve done about struggling to decide what to do with Gavin, I know that from many perspectives it seems like an easy decision.  He’s dangerous to everyone in the house, he has to go.  Right?

You’re right but I wanted to share part of why this is so hard for me. 

When I see Gavin,  I see the little boy in the picture.  I see the little boy that I used to take fishing and camp outs on the living room floor. There’s a huge part of me that never let go and quite honestly, I’m still grieving that loss.  I love and accept Gavin for who he is but the person he was, the loving, compassionate child is long gone.

This is another of my internal battles that I’m fighting with myself. 

I have to move forward because that person I’m holding onto is gone and the one we have left is reeking havoc on our family.  I just wanted to give you some more insight and share this final confession, or that I carry with me…..