I wanted to share one of my recent parenting mistakes in hopes that you can learn from my bad example.
It’s no secret that I have a soft spot for Elliott.
I have a unique bond with him because not only is he my first born but he almost didn’t make it. He had a really rough start to life and Lizze and I were told to prepare for the worst by the doctors in the NICU.
That kind of situation forges a unique bond.
With that said, Elliott has been going through a really rough time emotionally and now physically with his new tree nut allergy.
Essentially, he’s an emotional wreck and it’s breaking my heart.
As Dr. Patti likes to correctly point out, I’m a fixer. When I see someone in pain, sad or otherwise despondent, I have this need to fix the situation and make them feel better.
I’ve been driving Lizze nuts for years, she’ll back me up on this.
I have given Elliott my time and energy and it doesn’t seem to be helping. I’m doing everything I can do to help him through this.
Now this is where the bad parenting comes I to play. This is more of a good intentions gone bad type of thing.
Since I can’t seem to help Elliott by giving of myself, I’m trying to find detailed things that will help him. For example, he wants a kitten in the worst possible way. Would that be a good idea? Absolutely not.
Am I willing to do it anyway? You better believe it. Thank God Lizze is a voice of reason.
I do things like buy him cheap games from the game store on his 3DS. Nothing super expensive but it’s $5 here $10 there. In my mind I’m doing the only thing I have left and that’s provide him with a distraction, even if it’s only for a short while.
In my defense, it’s not like I’m unwilling to give of myself. I do that constantly, it just doesn’t seem to be helping…..
I don’t know what else to do.
I spend time with him. He’s in therapy and on medication.
Anyway, what ends up happening is that he begins to expect things and becomes even sadder when he doesn’t get them.
That is a monster of my own creation.
What’s the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
It's called compensation and every parent does it in some form regardless of whether or not a child has a disability. Sometimes you've got to let kids be sad, disappointed, mad, etc. because they eventually will have to learn how to handle these situations without you around. If you want to think it more bluntly, do you expect his teachers to do this for him? How about strangers off the street? Do you want him to accept rides or favors from strangers because he's sad and they tell him they'll make him happy? What about if he It's extreme, but the more he starts experiencing how to get himself out of his sadness the better off he will be towards becoming more independent.
Have you tried showing him the ingredients in foods? Even if he cannot read at this point (my apologies for not remembering!), you can use this opportunity to teach him how to sightread "tree nut" as part of an ingredient in foods. If need be, make it a game when shopping. This will teach him some independent living skills while giving you a way to help fix things without taking over for him.
@anansison always wise. 🙂
He's actually reading pretty well a day we are doing that with the ingredients. Right now he's just completely overloaded and it's really hard for me to watch him go through that.
Having said that, you are absolutely right in you assertion. Not that it surprises me. 😉