Gavin returns home at some point today. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit nervous about that.
It’s really difficult because it’s not that I don’t want to see him, it’s that the behaviors come with him. There isn’t a way to separate the two.
I was speaking with my Mom tonight about this whole thing.
It’s so hard to explain what this feels like. No matter what I do, I have to make a decision that will have such a huge impact on my entire family. It feels like Lizze and I have to choose between our children.
I know it’s not nearly that simple and that there are few options left, however, it still feels wrong.
I know I sound like a scratched record but I’ve never been in a situation like this before. There’s no question that we have to protect the best interests of the other boys and that we have done everything we could possibly do for Gavin, literally.
That said, as a parent, it feels like we’re giving up. Logically I know that’s not the case, but that doesn’t help my broken heart.
How much of parenting is based on logic anyway?
**Thanks for reading**
-Lost and Tired
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This was posted via WordPress for Android, courtesy of Samsung’s Galaxy S III. Please forgive any typos. I do know how to spell but auto-correct is working against me.
Anything like Gavin is not an easy thing. I have always loved your frank honesty and that you counter it with love for your children. I know that you love Gavin with all of your heart and that your heart is breaking through these tough times. I think many of us parenting special needs kiddos have a love relationship with them and a hate relationship with their special needs. All parents love their kids but hate the tantrums and bad behaviors. I know that with Gavin's mental health he may not see the things you are doing as doing them with love but he may not see love ever at all in his life. I guess what matters most is that you and Lizze and the E's love him and you guys know that. As long as you remain a constant in his life even when he is out of your home, you are showing him love. The sad fact may be that when you visit him in a corrections facility, that you are visiting him. It is so important that you guys know that you love him by the actions you are showing him and not by how he reacts. Chosing between your children is hard but you are not choosing between them. You are still loving him and making the best choices for him and that is parenting. I firmly believe that my job as a parent is to help my children make the best choices in life and slowly when they are capable hand that responsibility over to them as they mature. Gavin is incapable of that so you must do it for him. Still parenting, still love, not choosing between your children. I also believe that you are not just dropping him at the door of some facility to never see him again. He is NOT being discarded as trash. The very fact that you are carefully researching ALL of your options shows your complete love for Gavin. Don't be so hard on yourself and know that there are people who understand not only your love for your family but also your circumstances.
@JenniferWhynott thank you very much for your kind words. I know you're right, it's just difficult to accept all of this.