I’m not overly religious but I do have faith. I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school all the way through college. I believe in God and I pray from time to time.
I know that many people don’t like the idea of questioning God.
Having said that, as a father of three special needs boys, I been known to question God from time to time.
As things get more and more difficult, I’m finding myself wondering something. It’s a question that is burning and so I just have to ask it.
Did God make a mistake?
I guess what I mean is, did God make a mistake when he decided I was strong enough to be a special needs parent?
I wonder sometimes, well, actually more than sometimes, if God overestimated my strength and ability to do what needs to be done. I just feel like I can’t do this sometimes.
Maybe God sees something more in me then I do in myself.
It just seems that things are so complicated and overwhelming that nothing I can do ever seems to be enough.
Do any of you ever feel the same way?
I may have my expectations for myself set a little to high but there is a basic standard my family deserves. I can just never seem to meet those standards.
I know that I need to lighten up on myself but how do you do that when it comes to your family?
I’ll probably feel better if and when things settle down but it’s just been pretty rough lately.
**Thanks for reading**
-Lost and Tired
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Whew! I’ve been in breakdown mode for the past two days over this same type of thinking. It’s frustrating to feel like I’m giving it my all and pushing myself well beyond that and it never seems to measure up and get the job done. It’s difficult to not to let the defeat get to you. I’ve noticed in comes in spurts, few and far between. And then I’m going strong again. Thanks for posting… I don’t feel like such a blubbering idiot when I’m explaining myself to others now. 🙂 Good luck! “Just keep swimming!”
God does not cause the bad stuff he is what gets us thru it there is another force out there working against god and i think we forget that sometimes
I do feel like this sometimes too. I also have 3 kids with special needs. I feel overwhelmed a lot. But God does NOT make mistakes. I have wondered what He could possibly see in me. I am not this strong……but then I realize it is because I am not. He is though. I have to lean all my cares, frustrations, weakness, weariness, overwhelms, all on Him. He is strong enough. Maybe, just maybe, when you start looking at it that way and leaning more on Him who can bear all of what we have to deal with, it won’t be so hard. I am praying for you…..I know your struggles, really get them on a personal level. Haven’t met too many people who also have 3 special needs kids.
I feel the same way. I could of written that article, well not as good as you ;), but those are my exact feelings.
In my weakness He is strong and my strength. Give yourself permission to be weak knowing that as you rely on Father God to make your path clear He will be your strength. God honors a surrendered life… man views that as weak, but truly the person who understands where true strength comes from will realize that it is not weakness.
Rob…it is so hard for you! I believe that God gives me strength to keep going. That works for me. You are not a failure! You are living a life that would wear out the healthiest person alive. If you are feeding your children, educating them, providing them clothes and healthcare, and your home is livable (as in, maybe a little dirt and clutter but room to live), then you are doing a GREAT JOB. I can tell you love your family…they need you to pace yourself. Hope things improve soon.
I love that you're so open and honest about your feelings. I wonder everyday what the higher meaning for some things are – Keeping you and the little ones in my thoughts this week.
You ask reasonable questions. Did writing the post alleviate some of your distress? Yes or no, do you have the option for some professional counseling – with or without a faith-based orientation -? There's lots of faith and therapy online if convenience is the issue. Keep asking. Thinking. Searching.
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I know I feel that way a LOT of the time. And I go into denial about it. I often don't realize how bad things have been until they get better and I can breathe again. It's so overwhelming. Thoughts of suicide and other harmful acts can flit across my mind like blackbirds in the sky. I just see them and go on with this life, keeping on. But there is no one else, really, to do what we do. These kids of ours need so much. I don't feel safe trusting them to the care of anyone else I know.
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Oh yes, I've asked that same question. I'm positive that God sees things in us that we don't. I may never know what it is God sees in me that says "yep, she can handle this…" but that's ok. I just keep reminding myself that He does see something. Hang in there. *hug*
Believe me, I often feel I am not cut out for his task. Especially when my son has a PANDAS episode. He becomes like a mix between Emmett (agressive and irritable) and Elliot (high anxiety and OCD) and then on top of that, he becomes semi violent and threatens to kill people, extremely defiant. Nothing in his brain works right. Maybe God is telling you that you're overwhelmed and need a break. Can you get a respite person or friend to come help?
I totally get it! We have two kids with autism, spd, ocd, anxiety, and adhd. My husband has ADD, and I have fibromyalgia (which includes migraines and chronic fatigue). I am the one who takes care of everything around here (minus leaving the house to go to work). I do all the cleaning, paying the bills, taking the kids to and from therapies, schools, appts., etc. I am exhausted and in pain all the time and sometimes I've wondered, "What the heck did I do to deserve this?!" It's human nature to feel that way. I'm a very religious person. I know God didn't do this TO me. I'm sure there's something I'm supposed to learn and gain from all this. Still… sometimes it doesn't seem fair.
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Yes, I have asked! And no it is not wrong to ask God questions. Better to ask, then to harbor hate. I have what Liz has and a special needs child, PDD with TBI. So yes, I ask and then ask for forgiveness! You are a great parent!
Rob, you are not alone in questioning. Or questioning your questioning. Though I know God knows what He is doing, and that He ultimately has a plan, I question. That question is… WHY?! Why does my daughter have to suffer with emotional and physical issues? Why do I? Why do I have to parent a special needs child when I can barely deal with myself? Why does my poor patient, saint of a husband have to deal with the two of us? Unfortunately some things are not for us to know. Not right now, anyway. Though life has not turned out the way I have planned, I can see baby steps of progress and change. And when I can't see them my husband reminds me. I can also see God's hand in the many very special therapists and doctors He has placed in our lives who are helping us. And I can look back, now, and see how God has used difficulties in my life to be able to reach out to others experiencing the same pain. Like having silent illness. Or having a miscarriage. Or having a special needs child. In the words of Dory, I "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming." Sometimes it's only a dog paddle keeping special needs parents head above water, but as long as we can suck air we know there is still Hope. Thank you for your blog posts. Hang in there…
I question often myself. We've been through the worst year of my life and in the middle of it was things coming to a head with my son and us getting the diagnosis for him. But as we are finally feeling like we are on the other side of the year from hell, I'm seeing that I did ok. When I question I force myself to look at the progress he's made even with a current backslide. We've been able to get this far and become better parents, spouses and a family in whole. I figured out that sometimes the standard has to be what you're best able to do at the time. Our kids expect so much less from us than we do ourselves and every once and a while you have to be happy that they think you're amazing. My kids don't know about the money trouble and all grown up crap that sucks. They just love I make them homemade pizza..lol Of course this all today and soon I'll find myself asking God, I'm really not this strong.
I feel the same way very often! Sophia has unexplainable rages and I just dont understand how I'm supposed to be patient enough and strong enough when the screaming seems to have no end and no reason. I understand, and you are not alone.