We have found ourselves once again dealing with inappropriate touching. It’s been a little while since this has been an issue but today it has returned.
Long story short, Elliott came downstairs and told me that when he was trying to come downstairs, Gavin grabbed him and wouldn’t let him go down the steps.
Elliott then explained that Gavin kissed him twice, without asking Elliott’s permission.
According to Elliott, Gavin kissed him on the side of the head, both sides actually.
While that may not seem like a big deal, it really is. Gavin either has no concept or no respect for other people’s boundaries.
Sometimes it seems like a simple boundary issue and other times his behavior is clearly predatory in nature. I don’t know what today falls into but I do know that Gavin knowingly broken the rules.
We sat him down with Dr. Pattie and discussed how this type of thing is inappropriate. We explained that once you get to a certain age -and we used Gavin’s current age at the time- its no longer OK to make physical contact without permission.
We went further and explained what physical contact meant. He should not be putting his hands on anyone without that person having given permission. We told him that he should hug or kiss anyone without the other person saying it was OK.
He is also not supposed to hug or kiss his brothers without Mommy or I present and watching.
This has to be this way in order to protect our other kids. Gavin has a history or being sexually aggressive. In the past week have caught him sneaking into Elliott’s room at night to give Elliott a proper kiss goodnight. It’s really creepy and I’m not the only one to say that.
So after Elliott told us what happened, I called Gavin down and asked him what had happened. His story was a bit different than Elliott’s but it basically ended the same way, Elliott was touched in an inappropriate way.
We have a zero tolerance policy for this type of behavior.
Gavin was immediately grounded. By grounded, he was done watching TV for the day and he would be having oatmeal for dinner instead of roast.
He completely lost it. A horrendous meltdown soon followed.
After making sure Lizze and the other boys were OK -because Elliott and Emmett scurried over and buried themselves behind Mommy on the couch- I went upstairs to keep Gavin under control.
I’ll be very honest with you. When this happens, it’s very difficult to keep my cool because no one and I mean no one will ever hurt any of my babies.
I did the best I could to remain calm and keep control over the situation but I probably could have done a better job.
The video below shows part of the meltdown. I didn’t get to him right away so I missed something of it.
The really frustrating part is that he has no remorse. He’s upset because he wanted roast for dinner not because he did something wrong.
How do you teach a child right from wrong when they just don’t get it?
[youtube width=”720″ height=”480″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbVSOkkn118[/youtube]
It's hard I'm sure. You need to make it black and white. For some kids. Gray areas are too hard for some children and adults to understand.
Try and talk about it with him when he is calm. Go over the rules often. If he can read post them where he can go over them often. Or post them with pictures.
If its an impulse thing attempt to teach him something to do to self regulate. Regain control. Like count slowly forward or back wards. Take deep breaths. Close your eyes. Squeeze your hands together. Something to get him to stop. Think.
Im a firm believer in consequences appropriate to deelopmental level. And what was done. We all have consequences in life. We may not need them layed out on the table as some children with autism do.
You are so right. I\’ve been saying that for a very long time. The developmental agree of a child can play such a role in their behavior and the type of consequences that are a result.
Very well said 🙂
Have you tried getting in his space? Have your wife give him tons of kisses or hugs. Stand really close, make him feel the uncomfortableness…..that’s what we had to do with our son to make him FEEL the way he was making others feel. Plus then he had an actual memory/emotion to recall whenever we had to discuss it again….which hasn’t been too often.
The problem is that these behaviors in Gavin are more predatory in nature. Meaning that he\’s getting something out of doing this.
If do what you have suggested, which is a really good suggestion, we\’re giving him what he wants. Does that make sense?
We actually tried that in the beginning and discovered that it was just giving him what he wanted.
We have had to result to embarrassment with him. The main emotions he feels are anger/frustration and embarrassment.
It sucks to have to embarrass your child but sometimes it\’s the only thing that can be done.
Plus, at this point, his feelings are my concern. The safety of those around him is.
That was a really good idea. I think that in most cases that would be very useful. Thanks for sharing that:-)
If you figure that out, let me know. Namaste.
My Gosh. I have no idea. I am so very sorry and damned if you're not doing just exactly all the stuff your supposed to do, but still…I'm sorry.
–Leslie
My recent post Soap Opera
His kissing his brother was probably Innocent and a child shouldn't be punished for Showing Love, Kids do that sort of thing….Give the kid a break.
Okay….Just Watched the Video…Now i think i understand what you mean….It must be extremely difficult to look after kids like that…You must have the patience of a saint. I Wish you and you're family the best. X