I woke up this morning still not feeling well (that will be another post). I came down stairs and was sitting with Lizze and the kids watching a movie...
Gavin is already having issues as that is what woke me up this morning. All of the suddon Gavin stands up and goes to his room. He comes back down with a folded up picture. He launches into this very loud, very long winded "thing" about whether or not he should be able to keep the picture. It was a picture of Sonic he drew while in the psych unit at Akron last year. I told him that it was fine not to worry about it.
Thinking that was it, I went back to trying not to throw up. Gavin then starts all over again. I give him the same answer and go back to being sick. He continues to do this over and over and over again. By now I have taken to asking him, nicely, to please stop. I did this a total of about 6 times. It was like being tortured with words, if that's possible. He just kept getting louder and louder and wouldn't quit.
I'm sitting on the couch trying not to puke and at the same time filter him out and I finally snapped. I looked at him and told him to "shut up, just just up Gavin". I just went off. I told him "I have asked you 6 times to stop and you won't. We don't care that you have the picture, I already told you that. I don't understand what you want. I'm sick and just can't take it anymore". At this point Gavin starts to cry (it's fake and dramatic but still). I'm just shaking cause I literally feel like I coming apart at the seams.
I was as patient as I could have been under the circumstances but that doesn't mean anything when I lose my cool. In reality I should never have aloud myself to snap, but dammit he just wouldn't quit. It's like he was doing it on purpose (which is a very really possibilty as that is pretty common) but it's no excuse for me to tell him to shut up.
I walked away and went to lay down and settle my stomach. After I felt better I went and talked to Gavin and told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't have said that. I also told him that he needs to start listening because HE IS NOT listening anymore. I gave him a hug and again told him I was sorry.
I will say that losing my temper like that almost never happens. However, that doesn't matter as it should NEVER happen at all. This stress is getting to me. There is no break and no end in sight. I have the rest of my life to look forward to this at least until I stroke out or have a heart attack. I was on meds for the stress but they didn't work and all my doctors and the kids doctors told me that my life is simply to stressful and meds will just take the edge off...maybe. They're right cause they only took the edge off and that was only some of the time. The stress we experience is just so intense that very little works.
The only thing that ever helped was walking. As hard as I try and as much as I want to, I just can't get away anymore. I desperately need to get back walking and running. I was able to center myself and come back stronger then before I left. It also got rid of my back pain for the first time in 11 years. Now the pain is back and it's worse then before and I'm pushed so far beyond my limit that I just starting to crack. Have to figure something out even if it means just getting a treadmill (perhaps after the van is finally fixed). I can run while at home and be there to help if something happens.
I know this doesn't paint me in a good light and those that don't like me will just have more reason not to like me now. Just feel it's important to be honest and show what happens to someone in my position. If nothing else I feel better just getting this off my chest...
-lost and tired
