There comes a point, I think, in every parents life that they feel defeated. I think it happens much more often for parents of Autistic kids. For me, raising 3 boys on the spectrum is a nealry impossible feat on the very best of days. Factor in Lizze’s health issues and you have a recipe for feeling defeated.
Right now I feel completely defeated. I feel like nothing I can do will ever be enough. I am physically exhausted and emotionally drained. To me, it feels like our lives are falling apart. I can’t keep up with anything. I have laundry piled up and dishes in the sink. I literally have a stack of colllections letters and shut off notices that I can do nothing about. Every ounce of my attention is spent keeping Emmett form either hurting himself or someone else. If I’m lucky I can stop him from breaking things as well. The rest of my time is spent trying to show Gavin how to tell if the things he sees and hears are REAL or not… Try taking that “little” project on. That alone is a full time job. I also have to keep working on ASL with Emmett as we are beginning to make progress. All while making sure Elliott doesn’t slip through the cracks (which he unfortunately often does) and taking care of Lizze.
There is literally no time for anything else. I try my best to brush things off and tell myself, “priorities”. I say to myself, ” I need to focus on the immediate and everything else can wait”. The problem with that is that the “immediate” is ALWAYS there and the “everything else” NEVER sees the light of day let alone get a chance to be a priority. No one seems to get that. After awhile the “everything else’s” begin to pile up and eventually become something so overwhelming and out of control that even if I had the time, money or energy to deal with it, I couldn’t.
Having 3 Autistic children changes EVERYTHING. I KNOW this is something the world as a whole doesn’t understand. I realize that I still have responsibilities but damn, cut me a break. I bet most parents with Autistic (or other special needs) kids have more on their plates then most “typical” families. I know that everyone’s problems are relative but let’s be honest how would most people survive raising 3 Autistic kids? My guess would be not very well. I can’t tell you how often I wonder if my kids would have been better off with different parents (or at least a different me). I say that only because my kids need and DESERVE so much better then I can do. As I was driving Elliott to school today (late mind you, cause for some reason we didn’t think he had school today) I was once again questioning the “divine” part in God’s “divine plan”. People who DON’T understand or DON’t know what to say always resort to it’s God’s plan. The absolute worst is when someone says “God never gives you more then you can handle”. Those people, well intentioned as they may be, have NO IDEA what they are saying.
Today is just a really bad day for me personally. I am run down and have to many things that HAVE to happen this week and not enough time, energy or other resources to make this stuff happen. I have to get the house “picked up” even though I know it doesn’t really matter to anyone but me. Emmett is part of a Autism study being done by Case Western called “Project Bridge”. This is a major study being done my a major University and we are lucky enough to be a part of it. BUT they are coming to my house on Wednesday. I hate having people over when my house is a mess. I know they don’t care but it just makes me feel like that much more of a failure….
Today I am a sad panda…….
Rob hang in there buddy, You can do it. We all have those days when we second guess our selves. I have been following your blogs for a while now and if you did not live so far away I would say road trip to help you out!! I understand your "lost and tired" how could you not be! You are doing a great job and I DON"T think those kids would better off with out you. They need you. You are doning a great job, and by the way your kids are so handsome. Try and get some rest and if the people don't understand why your house is messy give them your bloggs!!! My house is to!!! Huggs to you and Lizzie and the boys!!
Rob, just sent a small donation…keep up the good fight.
You're a shining example on what being a parent means.
Oops, so sorry I called you a mom Rob, ~ I'm a total sleep deprived mom, and I hear that "god mother" statement so often (from MY mom) I repeat i automatically! I meant to say you are obviously a dedicated and loving parent, keep up the good work, because no one can do the job you do ~ Think I will go look for that pillow to bury my head under now!
That's no problem. I was going to fix it so you wouldn't notice and feel bad. Thank you for sharing your story. You would be welcome in our facebook group… If your interested. Also I was wondering if you would be interested in being apart of the Autism in "Real Life" thing I'm doing. Yours is a very courageous story….
If interested email me: rob@lostandtired.com
Thank you for this post…as I was reading it, I began to think you were me. Change the children's names around a bit and we're close. It was like you were in my head with the way you described your feelings of being defeated. I have 2 severely autistic sons, aged 5 & 10, and a neuro-typical 7 year old daughter (who is often times more difficult than my sons)! In addition, my husband & I moved my best friend and her 2 "typical" children in after her marriage ended. We are fortunate to have the extra set of completely helpful and understanding hands, but the kids outnumber us 5:3. My life is so chaotic that even spending time with my other 2 best friends, xanex and paxil, can't cheer me up. The responsibilities and pressure are so great that sometimes it's hard to breathe…although I find it easier to breathe lying in my bed with my head hidden under a pillow. Additionally, in one of those, "I am going to do something for MYSELF" moments, I decided to go back and get my Masters degree. WHAT was I thinking?! I am 3 classes away from finishing, and filled with terror wondering what I can do (other than repay that student loan) with the darned degree! As you so well know, I have to be there for my boys all the time. So when I tell you that I understand, I may just be one of the few who actually does. See, God put so much on my plate that it has leaked over the sides of my plate and all over my house, which is actually okay because it disguises the poop that is smeared on the walls from my sons attempt at "wiping" – but hey, at least he tries, his little brother just squats in a room when no one is looking. I can tell you this much, I promise to save your "special seat in heaven" right next to mine….located at the bar with the never ending drinks served by the gorgeous back rubbing bartender who only says, "How may I serve you next?" Even though you may not feel it, I can tell by your words and frustration that you are a loving and dedicated mom who is doing everything she can. Just remember the golden rule for "our kind" ~ Take it minute by minute, because that's how fast everything can change!